


It's got lots to do with magnets (and the pull of the moon)

by sallysimpsons



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28292562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallysimpsons/pseuds/sallysimpsons
Summary: It's 1997, Sunset Curve is about to headline their second US tour after releasing their second album. Everything is going great in Luke's life. Everything, except for the fact that he can't seem to get over Alex.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so I wanted to post this as a Christmas gift for my friends Marti & Fra but this got way longer than I expected it to be. I'm almost done writing it but I clearly won't be able to finish it tomorrow so here's an introduction, if you will.
> 
> merry Christmas, friends. I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to see you again and go to concerts together.

Luke proposes to go get street dogs. They all agree, but Bobby stays behind to flirt with the girl that works there at the Orpheum. When they get there, though, Alex doesn’t trust the guy and the whole setting too much. “Should we go get McDonald’s? I saw one right down the street.” Reggie and Luke agree. They play the Orpheum that night.

*

They are about to release the tickets for their US tour. There are plans for a European tour in case the US one sells well. It’s everything that they’ve dreamed of and more. They’ve got their own houses in LA, the days hidden in Bobby’s garage long gone. They have a long day of press ahead of them, and Luke is not exactly looking forward to it. His head hurts, thanks to last night’s hangover. He’s barely awake when his phone rings. He knows it’s Alex. He always calls Luke because he once didn’t hear his alarm on a press day and so it has become a routine. Luke answers, complains about how his alarm worked and there’s no need to call anymore, and Alex would grunt something in response and hang up. It’s a smart move though because Luke has to get up to get to the phone so at that point, he can’t go back to bed, he’s fully awake. Even this morning, despite the headache. 

He makes himself some coffee before heading out, hoping it will make him feel slightly better. It doesn’t. His head is pounding and he’s ready to curse against Bobby, the one responsible for his headache. But his friend looks as miserable as he does, so he doesn’t hold it against him. 

Reggie has that judging look on his face. He doesn’t say anything to them, there’s no need to. They’ve been a group for long enough now to get each other without saying a word. He’s running on three hours of sleep and the interviewers are always expecting Luke to be the cheerful and talkative one, the true leader of the group. No matter how many times he told the press that they’re a group and every single one of them contributes to the band in the same way, most of the questions are still directed at him. He has learned to turn the questions around to his bandmates, to involve them in the conversation as well. This morning he needs it more than anything, although they’re doing radio press which means playing a couple of acoustic songs and that he can’t really delegate to anyone else. Luckily Alex reminded him on the phone to take his guitar with him, otherwise, he would have shown up empty-handed. 

They’re playing a couple of songs, their new single Get Lost and Now or Never, which was their first hit a couple of years ago. 

“So we’re settling for these two? You don’t want to play -” Luke cuts Alex short. They’re in the van, their driver taking them to the first radio for the day. 

“No, I don’t want to play anything else today.” His words come out harsher than he wanted them to be, and Alex looks taken aback, slightly hurt even. “Sorry. Headache.” 

“We had quite a few last night,” Bobby points out as if it wasn’t obvious already. He has that face, that grin of his when he knows something and he’s having a hard time keeping it for himself. What the hell did Luke do last night? He’ll have to find a moment alone with Bobby because he doesn’t remember much of what happened. It’s unclear even how he made it back to his place, probably a taxi. 

Reggie scoffs, arms crossed on his chest. 

“I’ll do the talking,” he says. 

And Reggie does as he says: he takes on most of the questions during the interview, except the couple ones about the writing process, although Reggie points out how “we do all work on songs, after the first draft Luke writes”. “It’s teamwork,” Alex confirms, while Bobby nods his head to every single answer, as if he has forgotten they’re on the radio and not on television. 

“Before you play us two songs, I’ve got a final question, one that all our listeners have been asking about. What about Unsaid Emily, who’s this girl? A past lover, Luke, maybe?” The four of them freeze. In all the previous interviews they’ve done no one addressed it because their manager has asked not to ask any questions regarding the song and Emily. This man didn’t get the memo or pretended not to. The four of them exchange panicked looks, and it’s Alex who decides to take it. “It’s a question Luke would rather not answer,” he says. 

“So why release the song to the world, Luke, if you don’t want the world to know who the song is about?” He doesn’t want to let it go. Luke is fuming, but Alex puts a hand on his chest, trying to hold him back. 

“Because we love that idea that everyone will find his own private meaning in our songs, no matter who the original recipients of the songs are.” The whole sentence sounds rehearsed as if Alex was expecting this moment to happen one day or the other, and he had practiced it in front of his mirror. Luke holds his breath for a second before the interviewer says that it makes sense and moves on, allowing them to play their two songs. 

Luke thanks Alex as soon as they’re out of the studio, ready to get back in the van. They have another couple of radios they need to go to. Their manager loves to put them on a tight schedule. 

“No worries, man. I knew someone was going to ask eventually.” Alex smiles at him, before hopping into the van. Luke tries not to linger too much on that smile, on that feeling he still gets sometimes when his friend looks at him softly like he did right now. He tries not to think of the way Alex put himself out there for him, because Reggie and Bobby did it too on different occasions as well. It’s what bandmates do for each other. 

The other two interviews go smoothly, and halfway through the second one, Luke’s headache seems to be gone. He also had three coffees already, which might have helped. He goes on autopilot for the rest of the day, and by the time they’re done with work, Luke realizes he hasn’t spoken with Bobby yet, but his bandmate has already taken a taxi. He decides to go back home too, maybe try to call him. 

“Reggie’s coming to my place, want to come? Playing a bit, maybe, before having dinner.” Alex waits for Luke to answer, but he’s not in the mood to have a jam session, let alone at Alex’s place. 

It’s been two years, two whole damn years, and Luke should be over it. He kind of is. But he also doesn’t want to go to Alex’s and spend the night while his boyfriend is probably around, so he is now in this weird sort of limbo. Luke knows him and Alex wouldn’t work, but he also doesn’t want to see him with this guy (he has a name, but in Luke’s head he’s always  _ the guy _ ). Maybe he just envies Alex because he’s the only one of them so far that is in a stable relationship, and it has nothing to do with their history. 

“Sorry - I think I’ll crash home, I’m exhausted,” he says. He gets a taxi and goes back home. The headache is gone, but as soon as he lies on his bed, Luke falls asleep. 

He wakes up when it’s pitch black outside, sense of time lost. His first thought is that he has to call Bobby. He dials his number and it takes his bandmate a while to answer it.

“Hello?” 

“Did I wake you up? Sorry.” 

“Don’t worry, man. What’s up?” 

“I - did I do or say something weird last night?” Luke cuts to the chase, he doesn’t need to do any fake pleasantry with his bandmates. 

“You - uh. Listen, Luke, why don’t we have lunch together tomorrow? I’d rather talk about it face to face.” 

“Oh my god, what the fuck did I do, Bobby?” 

“Nothing - listen, you talked a lot. Nothing I didn’t already know but, like - you never opened up that much with me. About it. You know.” 

He has a feeling he knows exactly what, or who, this is about. 

Bobby is the one that comes over at Luke’s the next day, looking way more relaxed than he did the day before. It is technically lunchtime but Luke has woken up ten minutes before, so he’s making eggs and bacon. 

“Breakfast food for lunch, I love that,” Bobby comments as he sits at the table. Luke sits in front of him, setting two full dishes on the table. “Thanks, Luke.” 

“So I was - chatty. The other night.” 

“You were. You get kind of - well, mopey a lot when you get drunk but this time I guess since there was only me you talked a lot too.” 

“I’m not mopey,” Luke complains, mouth full of bacon. Bobby raises an eyebrow. “Okay, okay. Go on.” 

“You talked a lot about your parents and your mom and you said that you don’t get how they haven’t reached out yet after the album came out. I pointed out that maybe they don’t know how to reach you. It’s not like your address is in the phone book.” 

“Fair point.” 

“So, there’s that.” Luke can see that Bobby is dreading the second part of the conversation. He knows where this is heading. Bobby looks intensely into his dish, eggs and bacon almost untouched. “Then you started rambling about, you know. Alex.” 

“Okay.” Luke is chewing his eggs slowly, waiting for the bomb to drop. 

“You said that you, uhm, tried to get over him but you can’t. And I told you that you should because it’s just going to hurt more in the long run and you started shouting at me, telling me what should I know about love, and you mentioned Rose and then you stormed out.” 

“Oh my god. I’m so, so sorry Bobby. I’m an asshole.” 

“Yeah, you kind of were. But don’t worry, man. I get it. Remember when I told you I wasn’t going to Rose’s gig the other day? I actually went.” 

“Oh shit. Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve come with you. I haven’t seen her in a while. ” 

“I don’t know, I decided at the last minute. It was nice and all, but - you know.” 

“It’s painful,” Luke offers. Both their dishes are empty now. “Do you want some more?” 

They share what’s left of the breakfast food and Bobby tells him all about Rose and her gig with the Petal Pushers and how long it took him to finally accept that they’re never going to be anything more than friends. 

“You, uhm, also mentioned a song you wrote with Alex? Back in 95?” 

“Oh. That.” Luke scratches his head. “Yeah, uh. We fought about it recently.” They’re done with their meals and they move to the living room, as Luke fills Bobby in the recent fight he had with Alex, who wanted to record Bright. He ends playing it for Bobby - he’s the first person he ever plays it in front of who’s not Alex. He usually plays it for himself late at night, when melancholia hits hard and Luke aches for those days when he and Alex would live together in Bobby’s parents’ garage. Unsaid Emily was hard enough to put out there and record with his bandmates, an open wound that hasn’t healed yet, but somehow Bright makes him even more miserable. It’s easy to share parents’ issues with them, they’re all aware of it, but his feelings for his best friend are something else entirely. Right there, with Bobby sitting in front of him, he feels exposed, naked. 

“This is - fuck, this is amazing Luke. I would record this acoustic version right here, Luke.” Luke looks up from his guitar and shoots Bobby a look. “No it was just - a compliment. I get it if you don’t want to do it.” Since they’re confessing things to each other, Bobby takes the guitar from Luke and plays him one he has written about Rose, some months ago. It’s a sappy and cheesy song but it’s earnest and sweet and Luke is glad they’re opening up to each other through their music. 

When Bobby leaves later that day, it feels a whole weight has lifted from Luke’s shoulders. He feels better. 

They have work to do the next day and Alex calls him again in the morning. Luke is already up and is making coffee when the phone rings.

“You’re late,” he answers, all proud because it’s the first time he hasn’t rolled out of bed to take the call. He’s truly doing better. 

“I can tell because it’s not your usual morning voice.” Never mind. A sentence from Alex and Luke is back in it, deep down. He should tell him to stop doing that, because the morning calls aren’t helping. But the truth is, he loves the calls and he loves that Alex thinks about him in the morning even though he’s got a boyfriend that is probably right there, in the same house, in the same room, maybe, listening to him having those morning conversations with Luke. When he hangs up, he has a stupid grin on his face he can’t take off until he gets out of his house. 

It is another long workday, they’re recording live performances for a couple of tv networks that are going to air during the weekend, and there’s also a live one and that is the one Luke dreads the most, especially after the radio experience the other day. 

“I’ve got your back,” Alex whispers in his ear a moment before they’re on. To think Luke was sure he was over him when he woke up that morning. Alex also puts a hand on his back, as if the whispering in his ear isn’t enough. 

“Thank you,” he whispers back. Luke can tell that Bobby is looking at him sideways as they make their way on stage. The stage lights blind him for a second, and then he’s greeted by the show host. 

It is a pleasant interview and the questions are the ones they had talked about beforehand. Their manager has surely put a foot down after the radio interview. They talk about the tour and that they’re going to start selling the tickets next week; they’re all nervous because of that. They’ll play bigger venues than their previous tour and they’re positive they’re going to fill all of them. To think that they thought that playing the Orpheum was their ultimate goal. 

“Clap us when we sell the whole tour out,” Alex says, ever the pessimist. 

They all go to Reggie's after they’re done with work. “I feel like we’re only spending time together when we’re working now,” he says, a sad face. Luke can’t tell him no this time. They stop at their favorite pizza place to get some food to bring back home. The owner has known them for years when they would rehearse in Bobby’s garage and they paid with what little money they made while busking. He often gave them some extra toppings or sides, and now they all tip him profusely whenever they go there. It was also the place where Alex and Luke had their first date. There are only a couple of plastic tables there, it’s mostly a takeaway place, so they had little to no privacy, and to this day Luke still doesn’t know if the owner knows he witnessed a romantic date taking place in his little pizza place or if they just looked like two friends, two bandmates enjoying their meal. Not that it matters, he thinks as he picks up the pizza cartoons. What matters it’s that there are so many other times he has been in this pizza place and all he can think about, still, is that day. Maybe he needs another heart to heart with Bobby. 

There are pizza and a whole lot of beers being opened that night. They share fond memories of their previous tour, the snarky Rolling Stone journalist who thought they weren’t good enough and is now chasing them down for a follow-up piece. Bobby confesses about going to Rose’s concert, and Reggie can’t help but say “tell me next time, I’d love to see her again.” and Alex hits him in the arm. “Ow, Alex! What was that about?”

“Don’t you see Bobby’s hurting? And you’re making jokes.” Bobby chuckles. 

“But I wasn’t joking -” Reggie says, voice low. 

“Don’t worry, man. But he’s kind of right, I should’ve told you. I might have needed emotional support.” 

“Should we arrange it for her and the band to open up for us for the tour?” Luke asks, now realizing how perfect the timing is. They had a band planned already, but there was a fall through between their management and Sunset Curve’s one so they are looking for a last-minute replacement. 

“Do you want to get poor Bobby through the torture of seeing her for weeks?” Alex points out. Luke wants to say: I see you every day, and I get through it. I’ve been getting through this for a year and a half. He can do it for  _ a month _ . 

“Let Bobby decide, maybe?” He doesn’t want it to come out as aggressive as it does, and Alex looks confused for a brief second before turning to Bobby. 

“It’s fine by me,” Bobby says, scrolling his shoulders. Luke opens his fourth beer. 

Bobby is the first one to leave. It’s already two in the morning but they make fun of him, saying it isn’t so rock ‘n roll of him to leave so early. 

“Carl got this whiskey the other day,” Alex says, and there is always that little prickling feeling for Luke anytime he mentions his boyfriend. How he so casually drops his name into conversations. Carl did that, Carl bought this, Carl bought me that. Luke, on the other hand, has never had a meaningful relationship since Alex. He always says that he’s one hundred percent into his career, but the truth is that he has never felt anything quite what he felt for Alex. Luke makes fun of Reggie for his constant flings, but he isn’t any different - he has forgotten the people he has slept with both on tour and back in LA, not a single one of them sticking around. Alex, on the other hand, got with Carl not long after their first record was released. 

Alex uncaps Carl’s whisky and pours it into three glasses, and Reggie is out after the first one, collapsing on his friend’s couch. 

“When it comes to drinking it always ends with the two of us,” Luke comments, as they clink their glasses. It’s their second round and Luke knows he needs to stop before he’ll end up drunk just like he did with Bobby the other day and start blabbering things directly to Alex. He takes the first sip, as Alex smiles at him. “I played Bright to Bobby.” He definitely should’ve stopped after the first one. Alex’s smile fades.

“Why? You said you didn’t want to play or hear about it anymore.” 

“I accidentally told him about it the other night when I was drunk,” Luke explains.

“So now, should we -”

“No, I don’t want to. It was hard enough with Emily, I’m not even sure I want to play that on tour.” 

“I don’t want to pressure you or anything, you know that. If you don’t feel comfortable with songs, then - okay. But -” 

“But?” 

“Never mind, I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“Or maybe we should talk about this?” Reggie does a weird sound from the couch. They both turn to him and they laugh for a moment, relieving some of the tension. Luke’s head is spinning. There are so many things he wants to say. I tried so hard, Alex. But here I am drinking whiskey in your living room and all I want is to sing Bright to you and remind you how great we were. He doesn’t realize he’s humming the melody to it until Alex starts to sing along. 

“I love this song, Luke,” Alex says, and downs what’s left of the whiskey in his glass. Luke wants to read more into what his friend just said, but the truth is, he knows full well how those times are over for Alex. Luke is about to say something when Reggie starts laughing in his sleep. They can’t help to start laughing too, and the Bright spell is now broken. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two is here! And so is Sunset Curve's 1997 tour.

Luke wakes up and it takes him a while to register where he is. It’s not his room and the bed is smaller, and it’s only when he has fully opened his eyes that he realizes he’s in one of Alex’s spare rooms. There were whiskey and Reggie talking in his sleep on the couch, and then Alex telling him that he could crash there because he could see he could barely walk straight, let alone drive a car. He protested something among the lines of “I can walk straight, what are you on about, Alex,” and then proceeded to not being able to walk straight for the life of him as he headed to the bathroom. For a moment, as Alex was helping him and closed the door behind him, Luke felt as if they were back in Bobby’s garage when they would come back wasted from concerts and they both had a hard time walking to the bathroom there, both laughing out loud. Not much has changed after all, except the part after the bathroom pit stop, when they would make out on the couch and fall asleep like that, too drunk to take their clothes off or move from there. 

Now Luke wakes up alone and Alex isn’t kissing him to wake him up. Back then Luke would complain about his terrible breath because of the alcohol they drank the night before, but the truth was that he enjoyed being woken up by those kisses. He sighs, trying to shut the memory off, and he can hear laughter coming from the living room, and he wonders if Reggie is still dreaming or if, worse yet, he’s awake and talking to himself. 

Luckily Reggie is awake and talking to Alex, and Luke joins them. 

“Want some breakfast?” Alex asks. 

“Sure.”

“Nice. Carl is picking up some food at a diner nearby.” 

It’s too late now to make up an excuse and leave. He’ll have to have breakfast with the almighty Carl. 

“Is everything fine with you, Luke?” He’s driving Reggie back home but he’s already regretting it. The morning was already long enough. He doesn’t need a lecture now. 

“Yeah, fine,” he answers. Luke doesn’t even try to hide it, because he knows that Reggie can see through his bullshit. 

“I’ve always noticed you’ve never been really - a big fan of Carl. But this morning you were extra-harsh to him. What happened?” 

“Nothing happened, really, except that I got drunk with Bobby the other night and I told him that I’m still not over Alex which - you know, I was trying so hard to convince myself I  _ was  _ and now it’s coming to the surface all over again.” 

“That doesn’t sound like a healthy way to cope with it if I’m being honest.” 

“Yeah, no shit.” 

“Hey, you can stop being so aggressive. I’m not Carl.” 

He barely stops the car to let Reggie out when he’s by his house. “Call me when you’ve calmed down!” He shouts as Luke drives away. 

But Luke doesn’t call him back because he doesn’t calm down. They have a few days off before the next interviews and the whirlwind that will get to them when the tour tickets will be released, so Luke takes the opportunity to stay home and isolate himself from the world - he plays Bright, he writes down some new lyrics he’s not convinced of, he plays Bright again and doesn’t answer the phone when it rings. He figures that if there’s something important going on with work, either one of the guys or their manager will show up to tell him. Or send a telegram or something. 

The bell rings after a couple of days, Luke has lost track of time. It has been forty hours, maybe less, maybe more. It’s daytime outside and he wakes up on his couch, one of his acoustic guitars laying on the ground not far from him. He gets to the door without even checking how he looks. All the people who have his address have seen him in worse conditions, anyway, so he doesn’t care. He opens the door without even peeping through the door hole. Alex is in front of Luke and, unlike him, the fucker looks beautiful. Luke is tempted to slam the door on his face. 

“Please stop playing the tormented singer-songwriter schtick, will you?” Alex is pissed and he’s barely looking at him in the face. 

“Hi, Alex.” Luke lets him in and closes the door behind him. Alex makes his way to the kitchen. 

“I wanted to stop to get some coffee but I forgot. You don’t - Luke, where is the coffee? I thought you kept it here,” he says, pointing to one of Luke’s cupboards. Luke tries to ignore the fact that Alex moves around his kitchen as if it’s his own, and tries to concentrate on the matter at hand. 

“Well, if it’s not there - I don’t have any.” He’s leaning against the doorframe, while Alex rummages through the cupboards and the drawers and the fridge. 

“We’re going grocery shopping, Luke. I fucking hate you right now but I don’t want you to die starving.” 

“You f- what have I done?” He protests, but he knows the answer to his question. Alex shoots him a look.

“Go get dressed.” Luke obeys the order. 

“Listen I get it, you want to be alone when you’re full-on in your writing process. I learned it the hard way. But please, Luke, give us a phone call? Let us know that you’re fucking  _ alive _ .” 

“I don’t - I honestly didn’t think about that. I’m not suicidal, Alex. I was - I am, I guess, just pissed.” He realizes the moment these words leave his mouth that he shouldn’t have said it out loud. Not to Alex, anyway. 

“Well, we wouldn’t know since you wouldn’t answer the phone!” Alex cries. “What are you pissed about, anyway?” He has to come up with a believable answer and he remembers talking about Unsaid Emily to Bobby the other day. It doesn’t have to be all about Alex (except, at the moment, it kind of is). 

“It’s, well, my parents. I thought they would contact me after the album came out and they listened to Emily.” 

“But it’s not a single, how would they hear it? Do you think they buy our records?” 

“I don’t know, yeah, I’ve got a feeling that they do. But Bobby pointed out that they wouldn’t know how to contact me anyway.” 

“You two had quite the heart to heart the other night, uh?” 

“What, are you jealous?” Alex rolls his eyes but doesn’t elaborate further, eyes fixed on the road. “But, like. What should I do? I don’t feel like calling them after all this time.” 

“Send them a letter, maybe? This way they’ll also have your address and they can reach out if they feel like it.” 

They stop at a Starbucks to get coffee and a donut and Luke starts to write down a few ideas of what he could write to his parents on a napkin. A few people recognize them and come over to their table to say hi, and thank them for their new album. A boy about their age tells them how much Unsaid Emily is helping him as he grieves for his sister who passed away recently. It’s taking Luke a while to actually come to terms with the fact that the song is not only his anymore, that it is out there for the world to listen to. His lyrics are making a difference for people. Alex’s encouraging smile also helps right at that moment, with that napkin full of random sentences he has to put together to write a letter to his parents. 

Alex is in a weird healthy phase, courtesy of the almighty Carl. He makes Luke buy an insane amount of fruit and vegetables. 

“These are going to rot in my fridge, Alex,” he complains. 

“That’ll mean I’ll come over and cook for you every day,” he says. 

“Sounds like a threat,” Luke says and he wants to sound offended but he has this huge grin on his face. 

“It is. Don’t forget that I hate you right now,” he says, wielding a zucchini, making him look anything but threatening. 

He does stay over to cook lunch for Luke.

“Remember when we bought that little electric stove to cook in the garage?” Luke asks, sitting at the kitchen table as he’s trying to write the letter for his parents. 

“Sure, I think I might still have it somewhere around my house.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I couldn’t get rid of anything when we emptied it out,” Alex explains. Luke wasn’t there because it was around that time that he and Alex broke up and the idea of coming back to the garage with him would have killed him. So he went there one day on his own and got his equipment. He had rented a little apartment before he had enough money to buy his own house a while later. They are barely twenty but it feels like they have lived so many lifetimes already. 

“I get it,” is all that Luke manages to say. He goes back to his letter. 

He leaves the house the next day to post the letter, his hands trembling. He calls Alex as soon as he’s back home. Carl is the one who answers the phone. 

“Hey Luke, Alex is in the shower. Do you want him to call you back later?” 

“Nevermind,” he says and hangs up. He needs to learn to behave around the poor guy, but today clearly isn’t the day. 

Luke calls Bobby next, who’s luckily not in the shower and he says how proud he is of him. 

“I’m sure they will reach out to you soon.” 

Time goes by and they don’t, though.

Ticket tours get released and sell well. They do interviews with magazines, photoshoots. They work a lot and it’s a good thing Luke doesn’t have too much time to think because he’s so upset he’s not getting a letter, nor a phone call from his parents. Luke doesn’t understand why they would be so upset still, especially now that he has proved to them that he could make a career out of that guitar. He has opened his heart to them in that letter. 

Then they start rehearsing for the tour, which is a blessing because at least Luke isn’t constantly checking his mailbox anymore. He has the answering machine plugged in, in case someone calls. He jokes to his bandmates that he usually doesn’t care about plugging it in because he’s currently with the only people that ever call him.

“Yeah, the same people you don’t answer to,” Reggie says, an annoyed tone. They will probably remind Luke about this for the rest of the tour. He guesses he deserves it. 

Live music is all Luke lives for. They’re only rehearsing the show now, there’s no audience, but it still pumps him up like nothing else in his life does. He plays at home every day, sure, but the energy the four of them radiates together is something else entirely. Sharing the microphone with Reggie during choruses, bumping into Bobby during solos, and turning to Alex to hype him up during his solos. It’s a dance they’ve been playing for years and now they’re going to play it in front of even more people. The venues are all almost sold out and the European tour is almost certain at this point. They play for hours and they can’t seem to decide which songs they should be getting rid of, and their manager is sitting there, looking at them, eyes squinting, and Luke is sure he’s about to tell them he’s firing himself. They should’ve taken Rose’s offer when she proposed to be their manager back then. She was kidding, but she always had a great influence on them. He takes a mental note of calling her when he gets back home later. He hasn’t understood yet if Rose and her band are going to be their opening for the tour. One of the things that bother Luke and the others about their current success is that most of the decisions they want to make have to go through at least four different people, and the choice for the opening band isn’t any different. As naive as they were when they were younger, they thought that success would mean all the doors opening to them easily, but the truth is, there is much more bureaucracy than ever before and they are the last ones to know things, most of the time. It’s a miracle they’re even allowed to still play and write the songs themselves. 

When Luke calls her, Rose tells him they had no idea about the opening act proposal. Luke is confused because they all talked about it profusely with their manager and said he was going to pitch the idea. Apparently, the girls haven't gotten the news. Luke confronts their manager the next morning, only to find out that the tour promoters are not willing to put their friends as openers, instead they want to fill the spot with the group of the brother of one of the promoters. 

“So not our talented friends but their relatives instead, that’s nice to know,” Luke protests. 

“Truth is, they’re not really on board with the idea of an all-girl group opening for you,” their manager points out. They can’t believe that it’s 1997 and they’re having this conversation. 

“Is there something we can do about it? Have a double opener, maybe? We could take ten minutes out of our set if they’ll let the girls open for us,” Alex proposes. They all nod in agreement. 

“You must really like these girls, uh?” Alex rolls his eyes. “Well, except for you, I mean.” 

“We’re not here to discuss our sexual orientation,” Luke points out. “Can you please talk to the promoters about this?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call them again in a few,” he says, but he doesn’t look that convinced. 

“You better, man. That’s what you’re paid for,” Bobby says. 

Luke calls for a band meeting at his place that night, because he knows that they’ll have to do something about it themselves.

They get pizza again from their favorite place, and Reggie convinces them (as if they need much convincing in the first place) to get some weed and they soon forget why they called the band meeting. 

“Don’t you wish to be back in 1995 sometimes?” Luke asks later when they’re all in the living room, divided between the two couches. He has his head laying on Reggie’s shoulder, and he’s pretty sure he’s about to fall asleep right there. 

“Nah. I didn’t like being broke,” Bobby answers, from his comfortable position on the other couch. Alex is sitting at the foot of it, and he nods. 

“But I miss not having responsibilities. And not having a fucking manager who can’t do his fucking job,” Luke says, remembering for a moment why they were actually all together at his place. Damn Reggie and his weed. 

“But how cool is it that I don’t have to drag around my drum kit on my own all the time?” Alex points out. 

“Having other people tuning and bringing our instruments on stage is kinda cool, yeah,” Reggie agrees. “And the girls…” he starts to say, but doesn’t elaborate further. 

“It’s just annoying that we have zero decision power over things we truly care about sometimes.” 

“Ever the idealist, Luke,” Alex says. Luke doesn’t know if this is supposed to be a compliment or a jab at him. They’re all so high at this point it’s all very confusing. “It’s a compliment, man,” Alex adds, and Luke wonders if he asked him out loud or if he can read his mind. 

“Mmmm,” is all Luke manages to say before dozing off. 

He wakes up with his head still on Reggie’s shoulder. His neck hurts and his throat is dry, and Luke curses himself under his breath as he heads for the kitchen. He doesn’t expect to find anyone there, but there’s Alex rummaging through his fridge. 

“Hey Luke,” Alex says, his head still in the fridge, making Luke wonder how the hell would his friend know that it’s him and not one of the other two. “I woke up with a hole in my stomach. Want a sandwich?” He’s about to say that he’s not that hungry but his stomach growls at the mention of food. 

“Sure, thanks,” he answers. “Can you get me the water bottle? I feel like I’ve been stuck in a desert for three days.” Alex takes the bottle out of the fridge and passes it to Luke, who thanks him with a smile. He sits at the table then, waiting for his friend to make the sandwiches. 

“I never asked you if you cooked the stuff I bought you or if you threw everything out,” Alex says. 

“Surprisingly, I ate it all,” Luke answers, taking a big gulp of water. “I never even thanked you for coming over that day.” 

“No need to. We’re family, Luke.” 

Luke sighs and drinks some more, trying not to empty the whole bottle in one go. Alex cooks two grilled cheese sandwiches, and Luke proposes to go eat them outside. They sit on the stair of Luke’s backyard door as they eat their sandwiches and look at the colors of the sky as the sun rises. Luke could write a whole song, if not a whole album, about this: he could write about their thighs touching. He could write about Alex’s soft laugh as Luke makes a dumb joke. He could write about how naturally his head fits into Alex’s shoulder. He could write about the first rays of light of the day reflecting on Alex’s face. He could write about Alex telling him how he’s worried that his fridge is empty again and he could become his butler and go grocery shopping for him. He could write about the amazing grilled sandwich he made. Instead, Luke just sits there and doesn’t write down a single word of it, but he knows he will hardly forget any little detail about it. 

The next few days are stressful because they make a thousand phone calls, have meetings with people who tell them that once again that a girl band is a terrible idea, although they cannot explain why, and in the end they make it work by going on tour for the first leg with Rose and her band, and the second one with the band they chose for them. 

“You don’t get any saying for the European leg, though,” it’s their final decision. They’ll have some obscure British band they’ll have to plug there. It’s a small victory, though. 

There’s not much time left before they finally start the tour, and before they do they organize a night out with the girls to celebrate. Partners are also invited, which means that Carl tags along and Luke does his best to be nice to him. The night ends with everyone going back to their respective homes, except for Reggie and the Petal Pushers’ drummer, who leave together. Luke truly can’t wait for all the awkward interactions between the two of them on the tour bus. 

The tour starts in Florida, and from there they’ll move with the bus up to Canada, and then back to the Us for the second leg of the tour. Most of their things left with the bus a few days back, so they could have a couple more days to stay home and relax before flying to Tampa. Luke is grateful for the extra days home because he hopes to get something from his parents, but when he leaves in the early morning, the phone hasn’t rung and the mailbox is empty. It’s okay, he gets it. He should’ve gotten to them sooner. 

They all know how much Alex hates flying, so much that he was about to leave on his own with the bus driver. Luke is the one to sit next to him on flights, it has been an unspoken rule between the four of them since the beginning. He is the only one who’s able to actually distract him. The first time they took a plane it was not long after they played the Orpheum when they were invited to do a small tour in the Midwest. Luke and Alex were still dating and Luke held his hand for the whole flight. Now they just talk through the flight, but there’s turbulence halfway through and Alex is terrified and he automatically takes Luke’s hand in his. Luke pretends as if it’s all normal, after all, they’ve done this before and it isn’t even remotely romantic, considering that Alex is squeezing his hand so tight that Luke is starting to lose sensibility in it. He has to think fast about something interesting enough to hold Alex’s attention. 

“Remember that time I ran from home before Christmas -” 

“Luke, I’m dumb but not that dumb. It happened like 3 years ago, of course, I remember.” 

“No, not that time, you idiot. When we were kids.”

“Wait, no. What are you talking about?” Alex’s grip loosens a bit. 

“If you let me finish, maybe -” Alex is about to interrupt him again but closes his mouth before saying anything. “So we were like seven, and I asked mom if we could see each other to play together because school was closed and I was bored at home. But she told me no because it was Christmas time and it’s the time we spend with our families.” 

“No way,” Alex says, knowing already where the story is going. 

“So my aunt comes over during the afternoon, and as they’re busy greeting each other, I slip out of the door and I start walking to your house.” Alex is laughing already, both his hands now in front of his face. “Halfway through my mom takes me back in, shouting that I should never do it again.”

“Clearly the warning didn’t work.” 

“Asshole!” Luke protests, hitting him on the arm. 

“I can’t believe - you ran from home to see  _ me _ ,” Alex says as if the most unbelievable thing. As if Luke wouldn’t run to see him every day of his life, even now. Luke nods, smiles, then he looks outside the window. It’s a beautiful day outside, and he’s still so fucking in love with his best friend. Always has been, apparently. 

The first gig goes great. They play in front of a lot of people - they try not to think about the actual number, so they go by “a lot” every time they need to talk about it. It works because they do a great show, they’re on fire, and that first night in his hotel room Luke cannot sleep because of the adrenaline running through his body. They celebrated with a couple of drinks after the show, and the ever-present weed bought by Reggie. Someone knocks on his door, someone else from the band he guesses can’t sleep either. 

“Luke? It’s Bobby.” He gets up from his bed to open the door, to find a disheveled Bobby, his hair in front of his eyes. “I was sure you were going to be awake, somehow.” Bobby immediately hugs him as soon as the door is closed behind him, and Luke hugs him back. 

“Hey, hey. What is going on?” He asks, stroking his friend’s back. 

“Rose,” it’s Bobby’s answer. “I - god, Luke, why is it so hard?” They both let go, and Luke sits on the bed, signaling for his friend to sit next to him. 

“Don’t ask me.” 

“You know, I really want them to be successful and to do this tour but it’s fucking hard to see her every day, and tomorrow we’re even getting on the bus -” 

“Calm down,” Luke suggests to him as if he knows himself how to do that. He gets off the bed, and rummages through his stuff in a suitcase, half-opened in a corner of the room. Weirdly he finds what he is looking for almost immediately. It’s a mixtape he made for himself before leaving. “So this is a cassette I’ve made with a lot of songs about heartbreak and breakups. You know the new ones from Foo Fighters, and Green Day? I’ve listened to Time of your life a thousand times already. And a few other ones. Maybe it’ll help.” 

“You have a strange way of coping, Luke,” Bobby says, turning the cassette into his hands. 

“Even if you won’t feel better, it’s still a very good mix, if I do say so myself.” Luke flashes him a smile and Bobby finally laughs. 

“You’re such an idiot, Patterson.” 

Bobby ends up staying in his room, both of them falling asleep only when the first light of dawn comes filtering through the curtains. 

They have to leave for their second gig not too late the next day, and Luke wakes up groggy and still so tired that as soon as they make their way on the tour bus, he claims his bunk and falls asleep immediately. Reggie wakes him up to tell him they arrived. They check-in at the hotel and go to the venue for the soundcheck. They have a tight schedule for this tour, it’s almost a full two months of gigs before the Christmas holidays. And then there’s Europe. Tickets are selling fast, apparently, and they booked smaller venues than the US ones so they’ll probably have to do double gigs in some towns. 

As Luke starts to play the first chord that night at that gig and hears the loud cheer of the crowd, he thinks it’s all worth it. It’s worth the pain he felt when he left home. It’s worth the heartache. He turns to Bobby and smiles at him as he’s about to start singing, and his bandmate nods at him with his head, a little sign of recognition. It’s all worth it for him too. 

They do a total of four shows in a row in Florida before moving to a different State. Before they know it, a whole week has gone by and they’re on the way to New York. Luke’s sleeping schedule is messed up by now: he can’t sleep after shows and then he’s dead in the morning, sleeping wherever he can. But getting to New York means also doing a lot of promo appearances, and there won’t be much time for sleeping when they’ll have to be on the Morning Show or wherever it is that they’re going to play. He doesn’t care, Luke only cares about the fact that it’s four in the morning and he can hear Alex’s heavy breathing in the top bunk. He gets up then and goes to the back of the bus where is sure he won’t bother anyone. 

“Oh, hey Luke.”

Rose is there, writing something on a piece of paper, the dim light of the bus illuminating it. 

“Rose.” He sits next to her, trying to take a peek at what she’s writing. “A song?” He asks, but looking closer he notices how it looks like prose and his stupid brain finally elaborates that it’s  _ a letter _ . 

“Look all you want, it’s in Spanish, you wouldn’t get a word of it anyway.” 

“Oh okay. Who are you writing to?” He asks. 

“You guys know no boundaries, uh?” She smiles as she says it, pleased to be a part of their group now. 

“Yeah, it’s a rule. Once you’re on the tour bus, no more secrets.”

“No more secrets, uh? Okay. I’ll start. I’m writing to this guy I’ve been going out with for the past couple of months.” 

“Nice,” Luke says, nudging her. 

“So that was my secret. What about you?” 

“Me? I have no secrets, Rose. I’m an open book.” 

“Oh, you sure are,” she says, nudging him back. “I can tell by the way you look at the drummer. Wasn’t it over between you two?” 

“We are, and I don’t -” Luke knows he sucks at lying about this and it’s four in the morning which doesn’t help, so he’s sure that Rose can read it all over his face that he, in fact, does look at the drummer in a  _ way _ . She looks at him, wide-eyed, as if to say, Luke, don’t bullshit me. 

“You know I’m here if you want to talk about it,” she says, taking his hand in hers. “But act fast, because we’re going to be here for half the tour only.” He chuckles. 

“I - thank you, Rose,” he says. He thinks it’s enough for him that night, the fact that someone else knows. Before he knows it, though, he’s opening up to her, and Luke is surprised by how many things he has been keeping inside. Sure he had that conversation with Bobby a while back, but he was drunk and he doesn’t remember most of that conversation. Now he’s completely sober and actively choosing to pour all his feelings over the poor Rose. She’s a great listener and doesn't even complain that Luke has interrupted her while she was writing her romantic letter. She tells him more about this guy she’s been seeing then, who’s a photographer and who she met during one of the shows with the girls. Her eyes shine when she talks about him, and Luke wishes he also had someone to write long letters to. Instead, he has a bunch of lyrics written down about a guy who doesn’t like him back anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on tumblr @ sallysimpsons btw!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologizes in advance for the drama in this chapter. 
> 
> thank you everyone for the kudos/comments, i really appreciate it <33 and happy new year!

Just as expected, New York is a whirlwind of events and there is barely time to breathe. Luke runs on an hour of sleep the first day, and he goes through the interviews on autopilot. He hates that, no matter how many times Luke says how he would never be where he is without the band, the questions are all directed at him for the most part. They don’t even see the guys. He made the joke a few times “we’re not Luke and the Sunsets,” which the other said was a pretty terrible one so he stopped saying it. “Luke and the curves?” He tried once, but they all shook their head and he let that go for good. Luke doesn’t even think he’s the best one out of them at giving interviews. Reggie is the best one, he’s the one that can pull off a show. Most of the interviews they’re doing are in front of an audience and Reggie truly shines. 

Luke wishes they had the time to go around New York, visit a few museums maybe. It’s the third time he’s there for concerts and not even once he managed to do anything other than gigs. In retrospect, he should’ve done it the first time around, when they weren’t that well known and he could’ve easily walked around Times Square without people chasing him or asking for autographs. 

The first time they came to New York for a gig it was around the same time of the year, all the Christmas decorations everywhere. They didn’t have money for a hotel and slept in the guest room of a guy in a band that played that night in the same venue. The four of them crammed in a bed, for those few hours before leaving for their next show in Boston. They barely slept, and Luke thinks about how close he and Alex were on that bed, holding their hands in the dark. Whispering, Alex told him how disappointed he was that they didn’t get to see anything of New York. “Shut up, lovebirds,” Bobby complained. Alex squeezed Luke’s hand a little bit tighter. “We’ll see it next time,” Luke whispered before falling asleep. But it’s the third time, and they still haven’t seen much of New York, if not from the windows of the van that’s driving them around town, from interview to interview. 

Luke is both emotionally and physically exhausted on that first day, and he’s so glad when the day is finally over and they’re back at their hotel. He only manages to take a quick nap before dinner, and then Bobby suggests to go to his room and have a few drinks, and he can’t say no. They’re all crammed in Bobby’s room, the four of them and the four girls, sitting in a circle and a bottle of gin is passed around. The mix of alcohol and lack of sleep proves to be the worst combination for Luke, whose inhibition is completely gone. Even when someone else is talking he can’t take his eyes off Alex. It’s a fortunate coincidence that Alex is currently the one talking. Too bad he’s talking about Carl and something he did for him before they left. Luke is trying to tune it all out, he doesn’t want to know. Almighty Carl. 

“I’m sorry Luke,  _ what _ ?” Everyone turns to look at him. He turns to Rose, who’s sitting next to me, and hopes the puzzled look he has on his face will get him some answers. 

“You, uh, you said that out loud,” she whispers to him. He turns back to Alex. 

“Nothing. Just can’t -” 

“No, Luke it’s not  _ nothing _ . What the fuck has Carl ever done to you?” Luke is shocked by that. They’ve all had quite a few but the way Alex raises his voice at him it’s unexpected.

“For starters, he has the most ridiculous pair of mustaches. Why would he grow those at 20?” He tries to lighten up the mood. 

“He’s not completely wrong,” Reggie considers. Luke tries to suppress a chuckle, but he’s pretty sure that it comes out anyway. 

“Stay out of this, please, Reg?” Alex tells him, before turning back to Luke. “Not funny, man.” 

“I’m sorry, Alex, you’re right. He hasn’t done anything to me,” Luke apologizes, serious this time. 

“Right, he hasn’t done anything to you and you treat him like crap! Which is kind of out of character for you, you’re always so nice to  _ everybody _ ,” Alex says, almost spiteful on that last word. As if being nice to everybody is a defect Luke has. 

“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m trying to do better when it comes to him.” 

“And you doing better is making fun of him?” 

“Fuck, I sad I’m sorry! That - I’m tired and I just - I thought that was all in my head!” Not the right answer because Alex is fuming now. 

“Nice to know, man, that’s what you usually think about him.” 

“I’m sorry, again, Alex, if I can’t control my feelings!” he cries, and he knows he has said too much already, and he blames the alcohol as everyone is looking back and forth at them as if they’re watching a tennis match. Rose tries to grab Luke’s arm to try to calm him down, but he wiggles out of it. 

“What f-” a realization dawns on Alex’s face. “Oh no, Luke, no. You don’t get to do this. You don’t want to record Bright because you don’t want people to know what happened between us and now you’re -” 

“What is Bright now?” Luke can hear Reggie ask in a hushed tone. 

“That’s not why - I haven’t -” Luke stutters. He feels defeated, he has no idea why Alex came to that conclusion and there are six other people in the room and he doesn’t want to say anything more in front of all these people. 

“We, uh, should leave,” Rose says, as she stands up. 

“Oh no, you stay. I’m leaving,” Alex says and he storms out of the room. There are a few seconds of awkward silence, as everyone else is not sure what to do or say. Not even Reggie is saying anything, which proves how grave the situation is. 

“I better go back to my room,” Luke announces. Rose nods and helps him stand up then, taking his hand in hers. She hugs him briefly, stroking his back. 

“It’s going to be fine,” she whispers to him before letting him go. 

The next day is anything but fine. The tension during the interviews the next day is palpable. Alex sits opposite Luke for all of them, and they hardly ever interact with each other if not strictly necessary. Luke doesn’t even care that much until it comes the moment when an interviewer asks him about Unsaid Emily. He quickly turns to Alex, an unconditional reflex, before turning back to the interviewer. Reggie sitting next to him squeezes his tight briefly, whispers  _ you’ve got this _ . He can’t even get angry at this because he was the one who told their manager to lift the ban on the Emily questions that morning. 

“It’s a - well, it’s a song about loss. And regrets. And how - well, the truth is that, in the process of writing, I learned something about myself.” He takes a pause. 

“And what is that, Luke?” 

“That I should stop letting my pride come first in my relationship with people. But I keep doing that, even with the people that are closer to me.” 

“So the question that everyone has been asking since the record was released is who this Emily is? A past girlfriend?” 

“I don’t think that’s -” Reggie starts to say, but Luke stops him. 

“No, it’s okay. Emily is my mom. Let’s just say I had a rocky relationship with my parents because of my career choice.” The guys exchange looks, all shocked by how easy Luke let that come out. It’s the hangover, maybe. It’s the fact that he blurted out his feelings to Alex and now he feels like he wants to be freed of everything he was keeping inside. The interviewer is taken aback because this is not the answer he was looking for. He says something dumb like “I’m sure they’re proud of you,” and changes the subject. 

Luke stays in that night, everyone else at some club. They have the concert the next day and he needs to sleep decently for once. Of course, his brain doesn’t agree with it, because he keeps on tossing and turning and in the end, he takes his guitar and plays a few songs from his heartbreak mixtape, that Bobby has yet to return to him. After a while his fingers automatically start playing the chords from Bright,  _ you and I, we will fight to shine together _ . How can Alex think that he doesn’t want to sing it because he’s ashamed? He cannot sing it because it’s still too  _ raw _ , and his voice breaks down anytime the lyrics come out of his mouth. That was a promise they made to each other. He cannot sing that song in front of thousands of people. Hell, he can’t even fathom the idea of playing it in front of both Bobby and Reggie. He stops playing when his fingers are starting to hurt, and at that point, his brain manages to shut down. 

During their concerts, there’s always a moment where everyone leaves the stage except for Luke, who does a couple of acoustic songs. Unsaid Emily and an acoustic version of Now or Never, because he loves to sing it with the fans, just him and his guitar. Sometimes he decides to play an extra one, a cover usually. He tells the band beforehand when he does that, so they know when it’s time for them to go back on stage. This time, he’s improvising. He’s done with Now or Never and he thinks of the songs he was playing the night before. 

“I don’t know about you guys, but I spent my whole summer listening to the new Foo Fighters record.” From the reaction of the crowd, he guesses that everyone else has done the same. “So here’s, uh, one of my favorite songs from the album.” Luke turns to the right and sees that the guys are already there, waiting to go back on stage, confused by the unplanned extra song. “This is for all of you out there who had your hearts broken.” He’s still looking at his right as he says it. For the first time since their fight two days ago, Alex looks him in the eyes for a short second. It’s only then that Luke turns back to the public and he starts playing Walking after you. 

“So, that was… something,” Bobby comments when they’re back in their dressing room. Alex is nowhere to be seen, disappeared as soon as the gig was over. 

“We have some catching up to do, man,” Reggie says as he plops down on the couch, next to Bobby. The perks of playing huge venues, they even have  _ couches  _ now. And a ton of free food. 

“There’s no catching up to do, Reg, I’m just an idiot,” he says, sitting on the couch opposite Reggie. 

“Oh, that I’ve known since middle school. But this Alex thing - I thought it was over ages ago.” 

“That’s because you haven’t been paying attention to his heart eyes,” Bobby says. 

“It’s true that Luke is the kind of person that does heart eyes at pretty much  _ everyone _ .” The two of them start laughing and if Luke wasn’t too tired from the gig he would get up and jump on both of them for revenge. 

“I hate you,” it’s all he says instead, and he’s about to add something else when Alex enters the room. They all turn their heads at him, a weird expectation he’s about to say something poignant like Luke I’ve always loved you too, let’s run away together. Instead, he says:

“I’m heading out to get some drinks with the girls. Are you coming?” 

Luke wants to believe he is looking at him as he’s asking it. That’s why he says yes. 

They get a privè in a club, some VIP shit type of thing that Luke would usually despite but tonight he’s all for a little distraction and the loud music helps. Reggie disappears as soon as he spots a girl he likes, while Bobby is trying to chat up a girl at the bar. Luke stays close to Rose and the rest of her band, who all congratulate him on the romantic gesture. For a moment he had forgotten they were all there as well for their fight the other night. It’s a good thing the music is too loud and no one says much else after that. 

Luke has always known that Alex had a secret dancing talent because he would sometimes do some impromptu dances back when they were living in Bobby’s garage when some cheesy pop song would play on the radio. Luke on the couch, while Alex would sing all the lyrics (“why the fuck do you know this stupid song?”) and dance around the garage, sometimes hitting his drums in the process. Once Bobby came running because he heard a loud crash coming from there and he got worried. What he found instead was a very groggy Alex, and Luke sprawled on the couch, who couldn’t stop laughing.

Now Alex is all over the place, singing the songs out loud and dancing along with strangers. He’s not dancing for him anymore. It’s the first night of the tour that Luke doesn’t come back to his hotel room alone. 

They do a couple more gigs in the US and then they’re off to Canada, the last dates they’re doing with the girls as the opening band. The situation doesn’t change during those days, Alex and Luke keep talking to each other only when strictly necessary, and the rest of the time they’re either traveling or going to clubs. It’s Luke who asks to go, now. Sleeping with strangers is a good distraction. He feels just as bad as before when he wakes up in the morning, but the nights are fun. Bobby constantly asks him if he’s sure is okay, and Reggie seems to shoot him an insane amount of worried looks. 

“I’m okay, Bobby,” Luke tells him for the hundredth time, a sentence he has said so much it comes out of his mouth automatically now. They’re in the dressing room post-show, Reggie in the bathroom and Alex disappeared somewhere once again. “What about you?” 

“This isn’t about me. And, okay, unlike you, I’m being honest, I’m relieved the girls are leaving next week.” 

“Are you?” 

“Yeah, not sure how you can see Alex all the time and keep your composure -” Bobby stops himself, remembering something all of a sudden. “Well, up until New York, I mean.” He chuckles and Luke shakes his head as Reggie comes out of the bathroom. 

“What’s so funny?” He asks. 

“Nothing, just thinking again about Luke losing it the other night in New York,” Bobby explains. 

“Oh yeah, that was pretty funny,” Reggie agrees as he plops down on the couch opposite them. 

“I don’t know why I put up with the two of you,” Luke mutters.

As they’re traveling to Montreal the next day, Luke hopes to find Rose awake, because they barely had time to talk. Alex was often in the girls’ dressing room and so it was forbidden territory for him. 

He finds her in the back of the bus, writing one of his letters once again. 

“I’ll probably be home before the letter gets to LA,” she says, as Luke sits next to her. “But I had to update him on the whole Luke and Alex fight.” Luke opens his mouth in surprise and Rose starts to laugh. “I’m kidding, you idiot, I would never. Your secret is safe with me.” Luke is about to thank her but then he stops. “What is going on? Looks like you’re making your brain work for once.”

“Haha, Rose. Very funny. I’m so glad you’re going back home in a couple of days.” 

“You’re not,” she says matter of factly. “So, penny for your thoughts.” 

“Just - I was thinking about what Alex said about me being ashamed of us. And the thing is, I kept that song a secret not because I don’t want people to know that we had a relationship. And I hate that he thinks that but he wouldn’t talk to me and I don’t know how to explain it to him.” 

“Write something, maybe? You’re a writer,” she suggests.

“Oh no I’m done with letters,” he says, thinking about how his parents haven’t reached out yet. It’s ironic to think that the letter was Alex’s idea in the first place. Rose puts down her pen then, and she’s now looking intently at him. 

“Can I ask you something, Luke?” 

“Sure. I told you, there are no secrets on the bus.” 

“Why did you two break up?” She asks. “When I met you were all over each other constantly, and then when I didn’t see you for a while I was so surprised to see you weren’t together anymore. And I never understood why.” 

Luke sighs. That is a question he should’ve seen coming but at the same time, he wished no one ever asked him. 

It was not long after Christmas in 1995, when they were finally starting to earn a decent amount of money out of their gigs. Which meant no more garage, or nights sneaking into Reggie’s parents’ house.

“I told him that I was looking for a place on my own,” Luke explains to Rose. “He said it was okay, that he would too, but - I don’t know, something shifted after that. We started fighting a lot.” It’s easy to think about it, in retrospect. They were both nervous about the move as if they weren’t ready to move out of the garage just yet. They both loved to hate the place. That place meant everything for the two of them and the band. 

“Why didn’t you get a place together, though? You  _ were  _ living together already.” 

“We just turned eighteen. It felt like a huge commitment.”

“As opposed to the small commitment of living illegally together in a garage?” Luke rolls his eyes. “Okay, okay go on. I won’t make any comments.” 

“So I was telling you, we fought all the time. Made a lot of money busking alone around town during that time. I - well I told him that we should maybe, uh, not date anymore. For the band. If we ended up resenting each other we wouldn’t be able to play together anymore.” 

“For the band,” Rose repeats his words in disbelief. 

“You said you weren’t going to make comments anymore,” Luke points out. 

“It wasn’t a comment. I was just repeating your words.” Luke rolls his eyes again. “So, go on.” 

“It’s - well, there isn’t much else to say. We started moving our stuff to our apartments and for a while, we only saw each other for band related reasons. I thought it was the best decision - you know, for the band. The band was my number one priority. It still is, I guess.” No one says anything for a while, Rose looking at her piece of paper as if she’s going to find an answer to Luke’s problems in her letter. 

“My rational part wants me to tell you to let go. Forget about your feelings and move on. The romantic one, though, is telling you to play another song during your acoustic segment.” Rose pats him on the back then, and Luke lets his head fall on Rose’s shoulder. “I don’t fit.” 

“What?” 

“I don’t fit well as I do on Alex’s shoulder.” 

“Oh god. Please go to sleep Luke. Don’t you have an interview on Canadian television first thing when we get there?” 

“Shit. Yeah.” Rose kisses him on the cheek. “Thank you. I’m going to miss you.” 

“There’s a thing called a telephone, isn’t technology a great thing?” 

“Forget it, you’re so fucking annoying,” he says as he gets up. 

“I’m going to miss you too, Luke,” she says, now all serious. He smiles at her for the last time and he’s back in his bunk. 

The interviews in Canada are the same as the ones in the US, the same questions over and over again, plus the obligatory “how do you like our country,” as if they’re seeing anything more than their hotel and the venue. Just like New York, Montreal is unexplored territory, even though it’s their second time there. 

A couple of interviewers ask Luke about girlfriends and he says that no, he’s single and he has no one special in his life at the moment. Neither girl nor boy, he wants to say. He gets what Alex was saying about being ashamed. Alex was the brave one, the one who came out to the world in an interview the year before, while Luke never said to anyone outside his close circle that he likes boys as well. This is all he thinks about for the rest of the day. 

They can even drink legally here (as if that has ever stopped them anyway). There’s still tension and Luke and Alex don’t talk unless it’s strictly necessary, and everyone seems to be keen on talking to Luke about his feelings all the time, but all in all, it’s a nice few days. It’s sad, Luke thinks, that he’s getting used to this. That not talking to Alex is almost the norm now. He doesn’t want it to be the norm but he still has no idea on how to fix it. The only time they’re not busy is when they’re traveling and Alex either falls asleep or spends all of his time with the girls, so even if Luke knew what to say, he wouldn’t know when he could do it. 

He decides to play the Foo Fighters song again the last night they’re in Canada. He repeats the same words he used last time, he says how much he loved the band’s new record and how he played on repeat during the summer. “This is a song that makes me think… about a boy. Who broke my heart. Or maybe I broke his heart. Well, either way. This is Walking after you and it’s for everyone out there who is aching.” The audience cheers. Luke is sure they can hear his heart beating through the microphone. For a second, despite the loud cheers, he can’t hear anything else other than it. He doesn’t dare look to the right. He doesn’t know if Alex is there. But he said it. 

After the song, Luke gets off stage for a few minutes, as the other three slowly make their way on stage, each playing a solo. All he sees is Reggie high fiving him and the look on their manager’s face. 

“What was that?” He asks Luke. Alex starts to play his drums and the music covers the next words he says. It’s a good thing Luke doesn’t hear it because they’re probably not compliments. 

“I can’t hear you!” He shouts to the manager. Reggie’s bass is the next. The drum and bass part of the solo is Luke’s favorite but he’s not enjoying it tonight. 

“I said that you should fucking run these kinds of things to me first before coming out to seven thousand people!” He shouts back. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t planning on doing it.” It’s complicated to have a conversation such as this one on the sideline of a stage while three musicians are playing their instruments at top volumes. “Also I need to go to the bathroom before going back on stage.” The manager nods and lets him go, and Luke sprints to the bathroom. It’s almost Bobby’s turn on stage. Luke makes it back just in time. He doesn’t dare make eye contact with Alex once for the rest of the gig. 

The manager corners Luke as soon as they’re off the stage. He does this long speech to Luke about responsibilities and not being a teenager anymore and at some point, he tunes out because he doesn’t care. If they’re going to lose fans because of this, he doesn’t care. 

“You thought that Alex coming out was going to be bad rep at first. Look where we’re playing,” Luke says, gesturing wildly to the stage on their right. 

“Yeah but two members of the same band being gay, Luke -”

“I’m bisexual, learn your fucking words.” 

“Whatever.” Luke storms off, going back to the dressing room to his bandmates. He wishes they could manage themselves sometimes. He’s welcomed by a long hug by both Bobby and Reggie. This is where he belongs. 

That night they throw the girls a surprise party in a little club their manager succeeds to rent last minute. They have a whole club for themselves and the crew, and there’s also unlimited booze. 

“God bless Canada,” Reggie says as they clink their glasses for their first round. 

Since it’s a private party it’s almost impossible to avoid anyone, and a few times Luke ends up dancing in front of Alex. It’s only after his fifth drink that he doesn’t ever leave his side. Alex is wasted as well and he doesn’t seem to mind, but Luke knows he can’t trust his judgment when he’s drunk. So far it has been proven to be extremely destructive for him. He should just sit on one of the couches, they look so comfortable. Instead, he stays right where he is in front of Alex, coming even closer to him. Some boy band song Luke pretends not to enjoy but secretly does plays in the background. Alex flinches but doesn’t move away, and Luke gets as close as possible to Alex’s ear to say “I miss you.” Simple as that. He had to get drunk to blurt out those simple three words. Alex must be as surprised as Luke is by the confession because he doesn’t say anything, he’s looking the other way and Luke has no idea of what is going through Alex’s mind. The song is over then and Luke moves away. Longview starts playing and there’s a flicker of recognition in Alex’s eyes, a little smile, maybe. It was one of their favorite songs to sing when they were still in high school, still living at their parents’ house. Alex had bought Dookie as soon as it came out and they would listen to it for hours on end in Alex’s room. As soon as Billie Joe starts singing they sing along, jumping around as if they’re sixteen again and they’re at Green Day’s concert and they’re dreaming about being on that stage themselves. And they  _ are  _ playing on the same stages now, but right now Luke isn’t even thinking about their success, he’s only thinking about singing along with Alex and their first interaction in a whole fucking week. Before he knows it though the song is over and Luke is brought back to reality and the Spice Girls are playing and he’s about to go punch the DJ for not putting on some other Green Day song. He heads for the couches as everyone sings along to that stupid Wannabe song. Reggie is so into it and he’s trying to drag Bobby in as well, but Bobby is trying to head for the bar to get another drink. Everyone’s in such a good spirit and Luke is being a complete downer. He’s so busy looking at Reggie jumping and singing that he’s surprised to find Alex sitting next to him on the couch. He slides closer to Luke, and shouts into his ear “I miss you too.” Luke wants to say so many things, he wants to say how much he wants to sing all of their favorite Green Day songs at the top of their lungs like when they were in high school, he wants to say how sorry he is for ruining everything, but this isn’t the time nor the place and he just asks him instead if they should get another drink. Alex nods, and smiles. As Luke gets up from the couch, he loses his balance for a moment and Alex puts his hand on Luke’s back to help him not fall back. “Thanks, man,” he says. 

“Anytime.” 

_ Anytime. _

  
  


The trip to Detroit the next day is supposedly a short one. After saying goodbye to the girls, they get back on the bus and they all crash in their bunks, but they’re all so sick and have to ask for the driver to pull to the side of the road a thousand times to throw up. Needless to say, the soundcheck for a show it’s a disaster. They also have to meet with the band that it’s going to open for the rest of the tour, which doesn’t help. They’re five arrogant little fuckers, according to Alex. Luke maybe would’ve used slightly nicer words, but he agrees with the overall sentiment. They certainly won’t have hearts to hearts as they had with the girls. 

Their manager isn’t happy, he yells at them for half of the soundcheck. He’s still pissed at Luke about his sudden coming out the night before, so he’s naturally taking it all out on the whole band, even though no journalist has called so far so maybe the word hasn’t spread out yet. 

“You were the one that organized the party last night, man,” Reggie points out. 

“God, don’t even say the word party again or I might throw up once again,” Bobby complains, as he drops his head on the microphone pole. They’re all back to their hotel rooms as soon as they’re done with the soundcheck, and Luke falls asleep immediately. 

“Thank god we have a day off tomorrow,” Reggie says when they’re in the dressing room a while later, the opening band playing their act. The songs aren’t too bad, but they would never admit it out loud. 

“Good, you won’t see me tomorrow. I won’t even leave the room to eat. I’ll call room service. Only call me if someone’s about to die,” Alex says. They’re all feeling slightly better but their faces are still a bit pale. Luke is worried about his voice, it was too coarse during the soundcheck, but he hopes he can pull through the whole concert. He hates when he can’t be at his best because those kids in the audience only get to see their concert once and Luke wants it to be perfect every time. Right now though, the four of them aren’t exactly oozing energy. They barely have touched the food it was brought in for them. 

During his afternoon nap, Luke had a dream that he played Led Zeppelin’s Thank You during his solo segment and that Alex joined him on stage and they kissed right there in front of the whole audience. Somehow he’s just remembering the dream now, as he watches Alex get up from the couch to get some water. 

“What’s the face?” Reggie asks him. “Something happened last night that I don’t remember? I remember you talking to Alex but I don’t know if there was anything else. Is alcohol in Canada more powerful?” The way Reggie always goes off on a tangent makes Luke laugh. 

“No, no. Don’t worry. I was just remembering something… else.” Luke doesn’t want to tell Reggie about the dream. It’s embarrassing as it is to see the whole scene playing clearly in his head, but saying it out loud would be even worse. 

“Okay, man. As long as you’re doing fine I’m happy for you.” 

“Thanks, Reg.” He smiles at his bandmate for a short second, before having another flash of that stupid dream again. Oh god, he can never listen to Thank you ever again now.

Luke doesn’t feel he’s doing his best on stage, but the audience reacts with enthusiasm at every song, and so the band is charged by their energy. The second half of the show is electric, one of the best they’ve done in a while. Their manager doesn’t sacrifice them to the Gods and they have a day off the next day. It’s a win for everybody. 

It’s a blur of shows and hotel rooms once again after that. Bus, soundcheck, hotel, gig, party, hotel room. The routine is interrupted when they have a whole day of traveling ahead of them between dates. It’s a day off, but it’s a day off on the bus. 

“When we were on the bus for a whole day last year, I was on the verge of leaving the band,” Alex jokes. They finished their gig in Minneapolis not even an hour earlier and they’re already on the road again. The supporting band, the _arrogant little_ _fuckers_ \- that’s their official name now - have their own van. 

“You could’ve joined the fuckers on their van,” Luke proposes. They’re finally back to make jokes at each other, and Luke loves to see that little smile on Alex’s lips when he says that. 

“I would’ve preferred to walk to Minneapolis than join those five on their van.” 

“Let’s drink to that,” Bobby says, and they all raise their beer bottles. 

“To Alex walking to Minneapolis!” Reggie shouts. Someone from the crew protests “fucking lower your voices, we’re sleeping here.” and they all start to laugh, unable to keep their voices down. 

Luke wakes up too early. He doesn’t have to look at his watch to know. He tosses and turns in his bunk for a while but gives up when he’s sure he can’t fall asleep again. He walks to the back of the bus, thinking how much he would love to find Rose there, writing one of her Spanish letters. He needs to call her as soon as they get to their next hotel. What he finds instead is Alex cursing at the coffee machine. 

“morning.”

“Do you know how this evil machine works?” Alex asks. “Oh and yeah morning to you too,” he says before plopping down on the couch, defeated. 

“I think I do, yeah.” Luke fumbles a bit with the machine but manages to make two mugs. He brings them to the table and Alex thanks him, and only now Luke notices his puffy eyes. “Trouble sleeping?” 

“Yeah, since Toronto,” Alex answers, looking down at his mug. He takes a sip of coffee then. “God this is disgusting. Do you know when we’re taking a break?” 

“In a couple of hours, I think.” Luke takes a sip, and Alex isn’t wrong. The coffee is truly disgusting. “Don’t you think it’s funny that we’re complaining about the coffee when for our first tour we were crammed in a van and had to take turns driving?” 

“Those were the days. I can still smell the scent of dirty socks.” Luke laughs, about to point out that that’s truly the only thing he doesn’t miss about the van. “Do you miss it? The old days?” Alex asks, suddenly serious, as if reading his mind.

“I do, yeah.” They’re looking at each other, both holding on to their mugs, just for the warmth of it. They’re not going to drink the rest of the coffee. “I miss when things were easier between us.” Alex looks into his mug again, and Luke doesn’t wait for him to say something before continuing. “I feel like - I loved when we were 16 and joked around and - how comfortable we were with each other. I know it’s stupid, but we don’t hug like we used to.” 

“It’s not stupid,” Alex says, and now he looks up at him. “Sometimes - sometimes I wish we never had what we had. But then I just - well, you’re the one good with words. I can’t put this into words.” 

“But you did. When we wrote Bright,” Luke points out. 

“We were kind of drunk when we wrote it, and now all I had was a sip of bad coffee.” 

“Well, we still have like, twenty hours on the road ahead of us. I have all the time in the world.” Alex laughs softly, letting go of the mug now. Luke wants to put a hand on his face, caressing him with his thumb, like he used to do. He did it before kissing him the first time. The memory sends a shiver down his spine. He has to look away. “For a long time I thought you were just - I don’t know, you liked me but you didn’t like me  _ that  _ way.” Luke furrows his brows. “But then a few months ago you told me about this guy you slept with a couple of times. And then what you did in Toronto, of course - you know.”

“Oh.” This is the most important conversation they’re having in months and all Luke can say is  _ oh _ . But Alex is not saying anything else and he’s looking at him, expecting a bit more than an oh. He wants to play it all down, make a silly joke about Toronto maybe, but Luke decides that he’s tired of running away from his feelings. “Even if - say, I only ever dated or slept with women my whole life and then  _ you _ , it wouldn’t have made what we had less real.” 

“Yeah, I get it now,” Alex says, and there’s a note of melancholy in his voice. Luke wants to close the gap between them so badly. He’s sure Alex hasn’t looked at him like that since 1995. But in 1995 there was no Carl. Fuck Carl. He’s moving before his brain does but Alex makes him come back to earth with a fake cough. 

“I - I’m going to the bathroom.” Alex is almost sprinting out of there. Luke stays in the back of the bus, looking outside the window. Twenty hours to go, he thinks, and it’s going to be awkward. They always have the  _ worst  _ timing. 

When they’re finally getting off the bus for a break at a gas station, after what feels like ten hours in which Luke has not stopped looking out of the window for a minute, waiting for Alex to come back. Alex, of course, went back to his bunk while Bobby and Reggie appeared and also concurred that the coffee was terrible. 

“Can’t wait to have some decent coffee.” 

They’re in line to get their orders, and these are the first words Alex is saying to him after telling him that he was going to the bathroom and never returning. Luke smiles. 

“I wouldn’t jinx it until we try it. Might be just as bad.” 

“I don’t think. I feel like we cannot do worse than that. It’s all downhill from now on.” 

Luke goes back to the bus still wondering if that was supposed to be a metaphor. 

Now that everyone’s awake and moving around the bus, it’s easier not to get into another awkward, deep conversation when Reggie is illustrating the shit he just had at the gas station’s bathroom. 

“Might turn this into a song,” he says. Bobby, who already has his guitar on his lap, starts playing a simple melody for him. Reggie doesn’t waste a second and starts singing. Luke ends up recording it on the little tape player he always brings around in case inspiration strikes. 

“Our next single right there,” he says before pressing the stop button. Sure he loves the success and going around in a bus and all the perks, but the happiness these three boys bring him is beyond compare.

They take a longer break for lunch. They eat the greasiest pizza to ever exist and they start running around the parking lot just for the sake of it, their legs starting to get sore from all the sitting around on the bus. Unexpectedly, Alex tackles Luke and they manage not to fall on the concrete and so they stand there awkwardly, in this weird hug and their faces very close once again. Luke looks at Alex and his red cheeks and nose from the cold and running around and it reminds him of that time they were on tour in the Northeast and it had been snowing and they would run around just like that, throwing around snowballs and hugging and they would kiss and Luke never felt cold despite the snow. He thinks you’re in all my favorite memories. He thinks I would stay in this parking lot forever if it means you’ll never let me go. But Alex does let him go. This time he doesn’t have to make up an excuse, he just goes to say something to Bobby about the weather. Reggie jogs to him, puts an arm around Luke’s shoulder.

“I shouldn’t tell you this maybe, but he never once looked at Carl the way he just looked at you.” 

There are still at least fifteen hours to go. Luke doesn’t want to go back on the bus. 

Once they’re back on it, Luke takes out his notebook, tries to write something, just to keep himself occupied. He takes his guitar and starts playing around a bit, and he ends up singing some Beatles songs along with Bobby and some of the guys from the crew. Alex and Reggie have disappeared, probably to the back of the bus, the place where all deep conversations seem to be happening. Luke hopes Reggie is suggesting Alex breaking up with Carl over the phone. 

There’s no breakup, though, Luke knows for certain. At least not  _ yet _ . When they’re finally in Denver, ready for their soundcheck, Alex tells them all that Carl is coming over the next day. He has booked a flight for Salt Lake already. 

“I told him we’re back in California in like ten days, but - he insisted.” No one dares to ask how long he is staying for. 

They have another long time of traveling ahead of them after the show, and the idea that when they’ll get in front of the hotel in the morning - finally, a hotel after days - Carl will be there is making Luke sad and annoyed. 

Carl’s flight, though, gets delayed and when they get there he hasn’t arrived yet. At least Luke won’t be there for the reunion, considering that they have a few free hours before the rehearsals. So happy to finally take a real shower for the first time in days, Luke forgets for a while about his sorrows and concentrates on the happiness of being completely  _ alone _ . He’s sprawled on the bed, appreciating the gift of space. He falls asleep just like that, only with his bathrobe on and his hair all wet. The phone ringing wakes him up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, time to go to the venue.” It’s Alex. He hasn’t called him to wake him up in such a long time, which makes sense since they were all together all the time now, but it makes Luke emotional all the same. Their pre-tour life seems to belong to a different era. 

“Thank you. I fell asleep right after I got out of the shower.” 

“See you in the lobby in five minutes then,” it’s all Alex says before hanging up, all serious. Luke guesses that Carl has arrived. 

And he isn’t wrong. When he shows up in the lobby, Alex and Carl are already there, and so is everyone else, because Luke is always the late one. His hair is a whole mess and he didn’t have the time to fix it before heading out of the room, but he guesses he’ll do it before the actual show. Carl says hi and Luke says hi back, and the lobby isn’t big enough to contain the elephant in the room. 

Not that they’re anything like the Beatles, but Luke now knows what the other three members of the band must have felt like when Yoko Ono was around. The poor guy doesn’t do anything, he’s just  _ there _ , attending their rehearsals, singing along to the songs, but it annoys Luke to no end. He could be standing still as a statue, not opening his mouth, and Luke would find something that annoys him about Carl. He forgets lyrics to his songs. Their manager acts composed because they have a guest, but as soon as Carl disappears to go to the bathroom he starts shouting at Luke. “You didn't even go to a fucking party last night, what’s your excuse now?” He can feel both Reggie and Bobby’s eyes on him. He feels miserable because he’s dragging the whole band into his problems. First the whole ordeal with Unsaid Emily, now this. Luke wishes he could switch it all off, bury down all those feelings. But these are also the feelings that make him write and create all the songs, to begin with. He’s passionate and he lets his heart drive him most of the time, and now he knows he has to close his eyes, take a deep breath and let his head take the lead. He can do this. He doesn’t look in Carl’s direction for the rest of the soundcheck, and it seems to work. 

Luke isn’t able to let his head take the lead during the concert, though. His heart is all in while he’s on the stage. And that night he’s often turning to Alex during his solos. Bobby and Reggie try to hold him back but to no avail. 

After the show, Alex leaves with Carl not long after they make their way back to the dressing room. Luke proses the other two to go to a club. All of them come back to their hotel room wasted and not alone. It’s not a memorable one, as far as Luke can remember the next day. He’s quite sure he called the poor guy Alex a couple of times. 

Carl comes with them on the bus and travels with them to the next city. Hotels are one thing, but the bus is sacred territory for the band and the crew. The fact that he’s traveling with them on it makes everything more official, in a way. No one hates Carl, but Luke can tell that everyone is acting slightly different with an extra person on the bus. Or maybe he’s just projecting his annoyance on everyone else. 

He spends most of his time alone, pretending to go take a nap at some point. He stays in his bunk, wide awake, re-reading lyrics he wrote down in his notebook. He really wishes he could fall in love with someone else because what he has written down during those weeks on tour is sad and all about his heartbreak and they can’t do a whole album about it. 

“Luke?” It’s Bobby. “Are you okay? Okay, rhetorical question.” He doesn’t ask for permission and slips into Luke’s bunk, sitting next to him, trying his best to fit into it. “You’re not planning on staying in here for the whole trip, are you?” 

“Kind of,” he answers, shutting down his notebook. 

“It’s a good thing he’s leaving tomorrow then.” 

“Yeah, I would’ve honestly paid myself a flight to Seattle if he was going to be with us for that ride.” Bobby chuckles. “What’s so funny?” 

“I’ve never seen you so cross at anyone like this before. It’s kind of entertaining.” Luke falls down on his bunk, grunting. “I can stay here with you for a while, but you’ll need to get out of here at some point.” 

“Yeah, when we arrive whenever it is that we’re going today.” 

“Boise, Idaho.” 

“Yeah, when we get to Boise. So make yourself comfortable, Bobby.” 

Luke is a man of honor, and he gets out of his bunk only to go to the toilet a couple of times, but that is all. Bobby stays with him, they even end up creating a chorus for a song they’re hoping to complete before the end of the tour. He knows exactly what Luke is feeling, and they joke about creating a duo, Two heartbroken assholes. “It’s a miracle we came up with Sunset Curve because we really suck with names,” Bobby considers. 

With his friend’s help, Luke is in good spirits when they have to play the show that night. Sure, there’s Carl looking at them from the sideline but Luke has written a new song that day and the audience is ecstatic throughout the whole show and he even manages to be nice to Carl when they get off stage and he congratulates Luke. After the gig, they go to a club because the next day they have another long day of traveling ahead of them and they need to let off some steam. Once again Alex doesn’t come and the look he gives Luke when he says “me and Carl are staying behind, see you guys in the morning” seems to be so meaningful but Luke doesn’t want to read too much into it. 

When he wakes up the next morning, he finds Reggie in bed with him. 

“Reg? Oh my god did I sleep with you?” Reggie, still half asleep, groans and turns to the other side. 

“You wish. Not even in a million years, Luke,” he says.

“Rude,” Luke protests, but Reggie ignores him. 

“I just stayed with you because you were fucking miserable. I had to say no to a girl because of you.” 

“I’m sorry. You didn’t need to.” 

“Oh I’m glad I did and that I didn’t drink as much as you, because you were about to knock on Alex’s door when we came back,” Reggie explains and Luke takes the pillow from under his head and puts it on his face.

“Fuck me,” he screams from under the pillow. 

“I told you, already, Luke, no. I don’t like you that way.” Luke throws the pillow on Reggie’s face. 

When they go to the dining hall a while later, they find Alex sitting alone at a table. 

“Morning. So, where’s Carl?” Reggie asks as both he and Luke sit at the table with their friend. 

“He, uh, had an early flight,” Alex answers, and Luke notices how puffy and red his eyes look. “How was your night?” He asks then, a fake smile on his face. Reggie and Luke exchange a look. 

“Oh, it was okay. The usual,” Luke answers. Normally he’s sure Alex would give him shit for it, because he can easily tell when Luke is lying, but this time he just nods and goes back to his scrambled eggs. No one says a word until Bobby joins their table, oblivious to everything that has been going on. Unlike Reggie and Luke, he left with a girl last night, missing out on all of Luke’s drama with Alex’s room. 

“Can’t wait to be in Seattle!” He announces as he sits down. Reggie gets one of his arms up, a closed fist, in mock enthusiasm. Another long day of traveling ahead of them awaits. At least there will be no stranger on the bus this time. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> caaaalifornia here we coooome (the song was released in 2002 so i couldn't quote it in the story, so i'm doing it here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I finally made it. sorry it took me so long! I thought I had everything sorted out but then I had a bit of a writer's block (if you're reading this, alexandria, thanks for the help) and so that's why it took me like a month. next time please remind me to find a beta reader or someone to rant to while i write instead of just to myself on a google doc (i literally just screamed at myself through the comments of the doc, somehow it helps). 
> 
> but anyway! thanks to whoever remembers this fic still and was waiting for the final chapter. hope it was worth the wait. and thank you once again to marti & fra for being the best cheerleaders and always shouting about this fic as if 'm somehow a decent writer. love u my friends. 
> 
> there's also a little playlist i put together with songs i mentioned throughout the story, and just songs that made me think of the atmosphere of the fic/the plot. they're all songs released before 1997, because of course, i had to do this to myself. you can find it [ here ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7gHmw3HGvE4G79Lupzl5SS)

The trip to Seattle is a long, yet uneventful one. The enthusiasm is slowly wearing off, everyone counting the days left to the Christmas break. They don’t leave their bunks until they stop at a gas station, and the rest of the trip Luke mostly works on a few songs with both Bobby and Reggie, Alex still in his bunk. They barely talk through the whole trip, and Luke knows better than to go there and push him to talk or confess about his likely break up with Carl. Alex isn’t ready to talk and that’s fine, and Luke tries not to dwell too much on it. They’ve lived together long enough to know exactly when the other one needs space. The longest conversation he had with Alex was about uncomfortable pillows and how Luke is going to have to remember to bring his own from home for the tour next year. He never sees Alex smile, not until they’re in the hotel and he smiles at the receptionist when she hands him the key. He disappears in the elevator right after, not even waiting for the others to get their rooms and keys. Not that Luke was expecting to be invited in his room, but he kind of was. 

Luke takes a shower as soon as he’s in his room, trying to wash the ten hours on the bus off his body. There’s always some kind of smell he can’t quite place, or maybe it’s all in his head, he’s not sure. He wouldn’t have it any other way, though. He loves even these little, annoying rituals. He waits on his bed, still in his robe, for Alex to call, to tell him to come over. In the end, he gives up and decides to call Rose instead. 

“Hello?” She says when she finally picks up. 

“Rose!” He’s so happy to hear her voice again. He feels guilty for not calling her before, and he’s sure she will immediately scold him about it. But she doesn’t. 

“Luke! You called!” She sounds as happy as he is. “I was waiting for your call.” 

“You were?” He asks, confused. 

“Yeah, I talked with Alex before you left for Seattle this morning,” she explains. “He told me about the break-up.” 

“Oh,” he says, not surprised, but once again unable to find the words. “He did? He didn’t tell me. I mean, I sort of guessed. But, uh, he didn’t officially tell me.”

“Oh, okay. I thought since it was a long trip you might have talked.” 

“Yeah. No, we didn’t. He stayed in the bunk most of the time. I thought he wasn’t ready to talk. But he was with you - I -” 

“This means I took your place as his best friend. Sorry, man.” Luke doesn’t respond but rolls his eyes, even if Rose can’t see him. “You’re not here but I can distinctly picture you in my head as you roll your eyes at me.” 

“I’m about to hang up,” he warns here jokingly. “I forgot how annoying you could be.” 

“I love how you try to convince yourself of that so you won’t admit how much you miss me,” she says, and Luke laughs then. “Good to hear you can still laugh. Are you guys up to something tonight?” 

“I don’t -” he starts to say, and right on cue someone knocks on the door. “Hold on.” He doesn’t hear what Rose says because he’s already opening the door. It’s Reggie. 

“Hey, are you on the phone? Who is it?” He asks, winking. 

“It’s Rose,” Luke answers, and Reggie looks a bit disappointed. “What’s up?” 

“I was thinking of getting Chinese and eating together in my room, are you in?” 

“Sure. I’ll be there in five.” Reggie gives him a thumbs up. 

“Say I to Rose from me!” He says as he leaves. 

“You still there?” He asks Rose when he picks up the receiver. 

“Of course I am. So who was at the door?” 

“Reggie, we’re having Chinese in his room tonight,” Luke explains. 

“You guys are so sweet. I imagine the people out there going like Sunset Curve must be partying all night, doing all kinds of drugs. And what do you actually do? Sit on the floor of a hotel room, eating Chinese.” 

“You miss us  _ so  _ much,” he teases her. 

“Yeah I kind of do,” Rose admits. “Listen, I’ll let you go now. Don’t fight, though, okay? I know how heated up these hotel rooms parties can go.” 

“Ha ha, funny. Very funny. I’ll try to behave.”

“But, real talk, Luke, he’ll tell you. If not today, tomorrow, maybe in a few days. Just -” she sighs, trying to find the words. “You’re going to be fine, just believe me.” 

And this time, Luke does truly believe her. 

  
  


A night together, just the four of them, in Seattle. It takes a while for Luke to make the connection: they ate Chinese in Seattle as well when they were there two years before, before the moving, and before the breakup. Reggie was so excited because he had family there and they all recommended him this place and they ate from their takeaway boxes, all cramped in their van because it was too cold to be anywhere else. The van smelled like Chinese for two days, and then they found out that one of the empty containers ended up under one of the seats and that was why they couldn’t get rid of the smell. Luke couldn’t eat Chinese for a while when they got back home.

Now they’re in the comfort of a big hotel room, and the food is as good as Luke remembered. It’s just the four of them, a rare occurrence on tour, when there’s always someone else around, be their manager or someone from the crew. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but in these little moments when it’s just them, it’s like going back to those first gigs, the van with the clouded windows, the instruments all crammed in the back. As they eat, they remember their first trip to Seattle and the other one last year; it’s a place they all love, mostly because they link it to Nirvana, who was one of their group who shaped most of their early teenage years. 

“Fuck, I stained the carpet,” says Bobby, some of his noodles now on the floor. 

“Other bands trash hotel rooms. We stain carpets,” Alex points out and everyone laughs. 

“We’re definitely the most boring rock band out there, yeah,” Reggie adds. 

“Should we maybe change that? Go out, stay up all night?” Luke proposes. They all look at each other, waiting for someone to answer first, but no one says anything. “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” 

They’re too lazy to go back to their rooms so they end up sleeping on Reggie’s bed, and it’s truly like old times, all crammed together, legs tangled, bodies bent in awkward positions in order to fit. Luke falls asleep with his head on Reggie’s shoulder, and he wakes up when he senses someone else moving on the other side of the bed, and when he opens his eyes he sees it’s Alex. They’re looking at each other, and there’s that little moment of recognition, but they don’t say anything because they don’t want to wake the other two up. Alex slowly moves, trying not to wake up Bobby next to him, his head on Alex’s chest. Everything comes so naturally as they’ve done it a thousand times before in other hotel rooms or in the van, or sometimes in Bobby’s garage back in the days. Luke slowly gets up as well, checking if his key room is still in his pocket. Alex quietly opens the door, letting Luke out first. They finally speak when they’re in the corridor, no one else on the floor at that moment except for the two of them. Luke twirls the key in his hand, and Alex stands there awkwardly. He thinks about letting Alex go again, about giving him some more space. But he also wants to push things in the right direction, not wait for them to happen. And asking a question has never hurt anybody. And so he does ask Alex, “Do you want to have breakfast together? Maybe call room service?” Alex pretends to think about it for a second, looking at his watch as if he has a place he has to go to soon. As if they’re not in the same band, doing the same things. It makes Luke smile, what a clown Alex can be sometimes. It’s still endearing after so many years of knowing him. 

“Yeah, sure,” he answers then, smiling, satisfied for the little show he put up. “Your room?” Luke nods and they head to his room, two doors down from Reggie’s. 

They’re alone in his room and Luke is sure that Alex is just as painfully aware of it as he is. 

“So, uh, what should we get?” He asks, trying to break the tension a bit. It doesn’t work, not really, because Alex is there and they’re alone and Alex is single and all Luke wants to do is to finally kiss him. The truth is, though, he doesn’t know if Alex wants to. The fact that he and Carl broke up has nothing to do with him, with them and their history. Except that Alex’s answer to it is: “hash browns?” And there’s a spark of hope, right there, in that little word. Hash Browns. Does he remember? He must. 

One day after a gig, before they both moved out of their parents’ home, they decided to go have breakfast before going back to their places. It was a time they both dreaded that moment, so they always tried to stay out as much as possible, especially during the weekends. And that was why it was only the two of them left on a chill October morning, not long before the sun started to rise. They decided to get hashbrowns and eat them on the beach. 

“It’s too bad we can’t see the sun from here,” Luke had said, looking at the first lights of the day appearing on the horizon, behind the ocean. 

“Yeah, we need to go to the East Coast for that. When we’ll be famous we’ll get our private jet and go see the sunset over the Ocean just ‘cause we feel like it.” 

“We need to time it right though, with time zones and all,” Luke reasoned. 

“Nah, when we’ll be rich enough we’ll be able to bend time.” They laughed then, their half-empty hash browns containers in their laps. They both had their legs crossed, their knees touching. They’re used to being always this close to each other, always looking for physical contact. There was a different energy that day though, electricity, or so that’s how Luke remembers that day. The way he realized something for the first time when Alex was looking at him as if he was seeing him for the first time. The way, without even thinking, he came closer to him, Luke’s lips on Alex’s. That was when they kissed for the first time, and Luke remembers it as soft and tender and perfect. They looked at each other for a moment after, and then went back to look at the ocean and the sunset, the colors of the sky changed again. They didn’t talk about it for weeks after. 

With that thought in mind, Luke, laying on his bed, orders the hashbrowns on the phone and coffee, pancakes too, because why not. Alex is in the bathroom, and when he comes out Luke has already hung up.

“Don’t think I haven’t heard about the pancakes,” Alex says, and he smiles and Luke loves to see that he’s finally starting to relax again, not to see him constantly frowning as he did for the past twenty-four hours. Luke thinks how he never wants to be the cause of that frown ever again. He thinks how irremediably he is in love with his best friend, still, and how obvious it is that the feeling won’t change anytime soon. 

“I’ll eat all the pancakes if you don’t want them,” Luke says, a huge grin on his face, as Alex sits on the bed, legs crossed, looking down at Luke who’s still laying on it, head on his pillow. 

“Oh no, I want  _ all  _ the pancakes.” Alex raises his left arm and slowly moves the hair out of Luke’s eyes, and Luke pretends it doesn’t make him feel something, he really does make the effort. That’s a casual gesture Alex has done a thousand times before with him, but not recently. He can’t pinpoint an exact moment when Alex stopped doing it, of course, maybe it was when Carl came around, but he isn’t sure. Luke realizes he has been staring at Alex the whole time when his friend brings him back to planet earth. “I’m sorry I wasn’t really talkative during the trip yesterday.”

“Hey, I get it. You had to be on your own.” 

“Thanks. It - well, it’s that and also the fact that I was putting myself off having this conversation with you.” 

“With me?” Luke repeats, weirdly at a loss of words. If this tour is teaching him one thing, is that he sucks with words when they’re not sung. Maybe he should start belting out songs like they do in musicals. 

“Yeah, with you, Luke,” Alex says, almost exasperated, rolling his eyes. He sighs then, looks the other way for a short second. “The truth is, the past few days didn’t go as I expected them to go. The opposite, really.” 

“I’m sorry,” and as he says it he realizes that he truly is, because he wants his friends to be happy, and Alex is his friend first of all, and he thought that Carl made him happy. 

“Nah, it’s fine, the whole thing - it helped me realize something.” He’s about to add something else when there’s a knock on the door. Room service. Alex sighs. “I’ll go get it.” 

They eat the whole thing on the ground as they did in Reggie’s room the night before, and this time instead of noodles, it’s maple syrup that ends up staining the carpet. 

“We should find something to stain on the carpet in mine and Bobby’s rooms before we leave. Add some spice to this tour finally.” Luke has a couple of other ideas on how to add spice to the tour right there and now, and the thought makes him choke on a pancake. He coughs loudly and Alex, instead of asking him how he is or helping, starts laughing, rolling on the ground, even. Luke takes it all back, all the thoughts he had two seconds before are all gone. He hates his best friend. 

“This is why it could’ve never worked, you know” Alex starts saying when he has finally recovered from his laughing fit, after he has repeated a thousand times  _ you’re choking on a pancake  _ as if he hasn’t seen anything more hilarious in his entire life. The food is almost all gone but they’re still sitting on the ground, facing each other. “worked with Carl. I never laugh with anyone else the way I do with you.” It’s a good thing Luke has just put down his cup of coffee or he would’ve choked on that too. Again, he doesn’t know what to say to that, so Alex keeps on talking. “That was why I was putting off this conversation. I could make up a thousand reasons why we broke up, but the truth is it's just that it was you. The reason why it happened.” 

“Me?” He says. His heart is racing, but Luke blames the coffee for that. He had too much in a short time because they brought a whole pitcher for just the two of them. 

“Good God, for someone who writes such good songs you really have a hard time coming up with decent sentences on the spot, uh?” Alex jokes, trying to release the tension, but the nervousness is palpable in his tone. 

Just as Luke is about to say something, a stupid joke because Luke still hasn’t found the right words, the phone rings. 

“Who the fuck -” clearly not the words he had in mind. Alex chuckles. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Alex is with you, right?” It’s Bobby.

“He is,” Luke answers, and he can distinctly hear Reggie saying I knew it in the background. “Didn’t want to disturb you but we’re about to head out for that lunch, are you guys ready?” Oh fuck. The lunch with their manager. 

The irony of going to a fancy restaurant after eating hash browns and pancakes is not lost on both Alex and Luke, that are both eager to get back to their conversation. The whole meal they keep on shooting looks at each other, while their manager rambles about the European tour almost sold out and how important this Seattle gig is. They’re on the third bottle of wine and Luke is about to say how much he doesn’t really care about his career right now but all he cares about is being alone in his room with Alex again. Reggie, sitting next to Luke, elbows him. 

“So, what is going on?” He whispers, winking, while their manager is busy asking their waitress about dessert. 

“Nothing. So far,” He whispers back. “And don’t do that winking thing again please.” 

“Don’t try to distract me from the actual conversation,” Reggie complains. “Other people like my winking!”

“I’d like to know who are these other peo-” 

“So, tiramisù for everyone?” Their manager asks, interrupting Luke and effectively distracting them from the conversation. They all agree. 

It’s a good soundcheck, despite Luke’s mind constantly wandering back to that morning’s conversation and the wine they all had. He thinks of a cover to play that night during his little solo act. Walking after you can’t work anymore. He has Thank you by Led Zeppelin stuck in his head and that stupid dream, and he doesn’t want to play it, but at the same time, his brain has forgotten about any other song he has ever known. When soundcheck is over, Luke doesn’t know what he’s going to play, but at least he knows they have two hours to kill before they have to head back to the venue for the gig. Everyone heads back to their own room. Luke goes to the bathroom, starts to pace the room, thinking of what he can say. He can prepare some kind of speech now, instead of echoing everything Alex says or just go with an “oh”, the most overused syllable during this tour. He could bring his guitar with him, serenade him. That seems the only thing he can do because he doesn’t have words good enough to describe how he feels. 

In the end, Luke gives up and leaves his room, after all, they don’t have all the time in the world. He’s turning right on the corridor, heading for Alex’s room when he meets someone going in the other direction. It’s Alex, and they both burst into laughter. 

This time they go to Alex’s. Not that it would make a difference, the rooms all look the same. Alex just has a different view from his window. And, most importantly, no food stains on the carpet so far. Not that they would order any more food, they’re still stuffed from lunch. And the food isn’t Luke’s first priority right now. 

“So,” he says, casually sitting on the edge of Alex’s bed. 

“So,” Alex echoes, sitting next to him. “What I was trying to say this morning it’s that, uh - you’re my best friend, Luke. My favorite person.” Luke knows that the rules of physics will say this isn’t possible, but he’s sure that his heart is doing somersaults at that moment. “And you - well, two years ago you fucking broke my heart. For the longest time, I thought it never meant to you what it meant for me.” 

“We were together for a year, Alex, of course, it meant - ” Luke starts to say, finally finding the words at least, but Alex interrupts him, takes his hand in his, and squeezes it.

“Let me finish, okay?” Luke nods. “We were young and it was all so confusing and we’re in a band together. For the longest time, I thought you were ashamed of our relationship. Because, you know, you only had girlfriends and - well. You get it.” Luke nods as Alex turns to him for confirmation. “I thought I had moved on, Luke. I wanted to move on so badly. And then we leave for this tour and you’re acting weird and I just - it all came tumbling back as if not a day has passed.” Luke takes his hand out of Alex’s and he’s now the one who’s squeezing it. “When you - said what you said on stage in Toronto. I couldn’t stop thinking what a fucking idiot but how typical Luke that was. The grand gesture.” 

“You came out to the whole fucking world in an interview,” Luke points out. 

“Yeah, that took weeks of planning. You just got up on stage and said that. See, like now, I’m just stumbling through words and I can’t really say what I have in mind.” 

“You’re the bravest person I know, Alex,” he says, and Alex huffs a laugh, looks in the other direction. 

“You’re aware that you don’t really know that many people, right?” He deflects it with a joke like he always does. He looks back at Luke then, a serious face. “So, uh, I guess what I was trying to say, Luke, is that I - I want to kiss you. I want to be with you, Luke. Since that night in Toronto. But I also don’t want to rush things. Does this make sense to you?” 

“It does,” Luke answers, letting go of Alex’s hand for a second, and then intertwining their fingers together. He strokes Alex’s hand with his thumb and smiles at him. “I want to do things right this time.” 

“I never said we could hold hands though, that’s a little too intimate.” 

“You’re not wrong. The Beatles made a whole song about it, after all,” Luke says, their hands still clasped together. “So, what does this going slow thing means? Do I have to court you, or?” 

“Idiot,” Alex answers, letting go of Luke’s hand now. “Yeah, we’re not allowed to be alone in the same room up until our wedding day.” 

“Wedding day, you say,” Luke echoes, grinning. 

“Oh, god, I’m leaving,” Alex cries, and he’s about to get up when Luke makes him notice that they’re in his room. “Right. These rooms all look the same.” Alex looks around the room, sighs, and lets himself fall back on the bed. “I can’t wait to be back in my own bedroom.” 

“Yeah, me too. Are we spending Christmas together this year too?” Luke asks, turning to look at Alex. He’s not making the whole taking it slow easy, not now that he’s lying on the bed, his t-shirt riding up, exposing a bit of his belly. He looks away, admiring the printing hanging over Alex’s bed. 

“You don’t even have to ask,” Alex answers. It has been their little tradition. Both Bobby and Reggie still celebrate with their families, and the two of them have spent it together for the past three years. 1994 especially was rough, Luke had left his house not even a week before, and Alex had consciously decided not to come back home on the 24th, even if his parents were adamant about him staying home because his grandparents had come over. He had to pretend that everything was fine, that they hadn’t been fighting about his sexuality for the past few months. Luke was afraid that it was going to change now that Carl was in the picture, but now things are back to the way they were. Even better than the way they were. He’s not going to screw it all up this time. 

When they’re heading to the venue a while later, after they’ve been snuggled on Alex’s bed for the whole time, their hands glued together, Luke is sure that his grin can be seen from the moon, and he’s equally sure that Reggie is suspecting something. 

“You two are weird,” he says, looking back and forth at the two of them. 

“What do you mean?” Alex asks, all casual. He’s the one between the two of them who can keep a poker face. Luke stays silent. 

“Nothing, just - forget I asked. I don’t want to know. Whatever the two of you are doing.” Reggie shakes his head, but both he and Bobby are smiling, looking eager to know more.

“We’re not doing anything.” Luke talks this time because this isn’t a lie so it’s easy to say with a straight face.

“Suuuure,” Reggie says, turning to Bobby and winking at him. 

“Yeah, we believe you,” Bobby follows him. They’re both cackling. It’s going to be an interesting night. 

And it is, indeed, an interesting night. A few minutes after they’ve settled themselves in their dressing room, Reggie reappears out of nowhere, hands in his hair. 

“Guys. Guys!” He shouts, running around the room as if he has been set on fire. “You know who’s here?” 

“Let’s hope it’s not Carl,” Bobby jokes, and Luke hits him in the arm. 

“The pretentious asshole! The Rolling Stone journalist!” They didn’t expect him to be there. The asshole who wrote the worst review for their first record the year before. They were sure he was going to come to one of the Los Angeles gigs, ready to rip their show in shreds in an article, as he did on their last tour, but not in  _ Seattle _ . Seattle is sacred ground for rock music, not the ground for an annoying journalist who will surely make his way backstage after the show.

The four of them all are nervous during the show. Luke wishes their manager hadn’t told them about the surprise visit. Not that they can’t play, or anything irreparable, but it’s not their best show and in the audience, there’s a man who’s going to find any little mistake they make and turn it into a whole article about their failures. 

“Don’t do anything stupid tonight,” Reggie whispers in Luke’s ear before leaving the stage. He knows that Luke has something planned for his little solo moment. He nods at his friend, although it doesn’t mean that he changed his mind. 

He does his usual two songs and he can see Reggie and Bobby looking slightly concerned on the side of the stage.

“So, if you’ve been to one of our previous gigs,” someone in the crowd screams, maybe some of those fans they’re starting to recognize, the ones that travel around the country to see them multiple times. “You know that sometimes I like to play a cover of a song. I’m sure you can all sing along with this one.” He starts to sing I want to hold your hand. Luke turns to the right for a second and looks at Alex, trying to ignore the reactions of their two other bandmates. He always wants to see Alex smiling like that because of him. 

Just as predicted, the journalist shows up in the dressing room after the gig is over. They don’t do backstage interviews often, but for this asshole, they have to make an exception, otherwise, he would write a long ass article about how Sunset Curve is formed by a bunch of divas that don’t allow journalists to meet them backstage. So here he is, in their dressing room. Luke, Reggie, and Bobby are on one of the couches, while Alex sits on a high stool, hands in his lap. 

“Nice to see you guys again,” he says, and Luke can hear Bobby whisper “as if.” He tries not to laugh, they promised their manager they were going to behave. The journalist tells them that he has enjoyed the show. Luke is waiting for the question, the one that it’s going to make their blood boil. He knows the journalist has it in him. When the question comes, though, it’s not what he was expecting. 

“There are rumors circulating. Since your gig in Toronto,” he begins to say. They all start to look at each other. Of all the things they were expecting to come out of the journalist’s mouth, this was not it. A jab at their sound, at their songs? That was the annoying question they were all waiting for. Not this. Not the question about Toronto. “About Luke. Something he said on stage about a boy who broke his heart.” 

“I’m sorry, but I thought you were from Rolling Stone, didn’t know you turned into a tabloid magazine overnight,” Alex snaps, unable to keep his cool. Luke turns to his right to look at Alex who is about to get off his stool but with a glance he tells him to stop. Luke wants to answer the question. Alex stays still then, arms crossed on his chest. Luke looks down, sighs, and then looks at Reggie and Bobby. They’re smiling at him, and that’s all he needs to gain the courage to speak. He doesn’t care what their manager will say. Luke wants to do it, in his own terms. 

“The rumors are true. The truth is, I am bisexual. And I frankly don’t care if you write that down in your article. If you came out here out of spite, ready to fuck me up with your question, you honestly haven’t. I said what I said in Toronto and I’m ready to say that again in front of all the people we’re playing for. I don’t care if we lose fans because there are two non straight members in the band. What I care about is all the people that will be inspired by me like they were inspired by Alex’s words last year.” The journalist looks impressed by the answer. They’re all looking at each other, no one knows what to say next. 

“He’s the king of motivational speeches,” Reggie says, finally breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I figured,” says the journalist, unimpressed, scribbling something down in his notepad. “Alex, were you the one to suggest that he do that?” He asks, looking in Alex’s direction. 

“No, I had no idea,” he answers in an annoyed tone. The journalist is still looking at him, expecting some more, but Alex doesn’t elaborate further. 

“What about you guys? Did you know?” He asks then, turning to Reggie and Bobby. 

“No, no one knew he was going to do it. Can we move on? Talk about our music, maybe?” Bobby says. 

“If Luke doesn’t have anything else to say…” Luke shakes his head “Then okay. Let’s talk about the music.” The journalist grins. 

“Listen, uh, I know we’re doing this whole - slow thing, whatever that means. But I - just. I can’t sleep. Can I stay with you?” 

It’s four am and they just got back to their respective rooms. After the journalist left, they silently decided that the only way to deal with it was going to drink and smoke everything they had in the room, and so they did. Stumbling back into their rooms, Luke was certain he was going to fall asleep immediately, but the realness of his coming out and the rest of the interview had left him with a bittersweet taste in his mouth. And so that was how, before he knew it, he found himself knocking on Alex’s door. 

Alex let him in without saying a word, and as soon as he closes the door behind them, he hugs him. Luke lets himself go into the hug completely. 

“I don’t think I’ve told you how proud I am of you,” he whispers into Luke’s ear. 

“Easy to say when you’re high and kind of drunk,” Luke says, because he can’t afford himself to thank him now or else he would crumble completely. He knows that Alex would pick up all his pieces, one by one, even if Luke had to shatter into a million tiny parts. He knows that and it’s comforting to know, but he wants to stay whole tonight. He’ll let himself go once they’re back from the tour. 

“Okay, then, remind me to tell you again in the morning.” They both laugh. The hug seems to last for the rest of the night. 

Their last show before going back to California is in Portland, and it’s an unremarkable night and that’s okay for the four of them. No journalist ambushes them in the dressing room. When Luke thinks back about that night, he doesn’t remember much except for him and Alex snuggling on the couch of the dressing room, their pinkies casually intertwined and Reggie and Bobby’s looks of recognition. He thinks about the bus driving them back to California, that night. He thinks about how the last thing he heard before falling asleep was Reggie saying “we’re going home, boys.” 

And they’re not exactly home, not yet. They’re going to be in California but they have a few gigs around the State, and finally the grand finale in their hometown. When Luke wakes up in his bunk that morning, he’s not sure they crossed the border yet but he’s excited to be back in their home State. He stays in his bunk a little longer, the now-familiar sound of the bus speeding on the highway. 

“WE’RE IN CALIFORNIAAAAA!” The silence is broken by Reggie’s shouting. He can hear Alex’s grunting in the top bunk. “Wake up, lovebirds,” he says. Luke opens the curtain and looks at Reggie with a puzzled look. “What? Oh, I’m not supposed to know? Okay, wake up, Luke and Alex,” he says, with an exaggerated wink. Luke is tempted to close the curtain again, just for the dramatic effect, but he gets up. Right after Alex hops off his bunk, standing right next to Luke, their fingers brushing. 

“I kind of preferred when you guys were fighting,” Reggie protests as the two of them can’t stop looking at each other and smiling. They’re back in California, the sun is shining outside, and Luke couldn’t be happier. 

“Not to be, like, nosey or anything, but, what the fuck is the deal with the two of you?” They’re at the venue later that day, their first California show of the tour. They’re taking a break from their soundcheck, Bobby and Luke sitting at the edge of the stage, their feet dangling in the air. Looking up at the empty venue always gives Luke a bit of vertigo. 

“There’s no deal,” he answers, still looking up. “Why?” He asks, feigning innocence. 

“Oh I don’t know, you’re always like, snuggling on couches and sending each other those disgusting looks of yours but I still haven’t caught you making out in the weirdest spots like back in the days.” Luke chuckles. 

“He just broke up with Carl,” he explains, sure that Bobby will understand.

“And you’re doing fine? That’s all I care about. That the two of you are doing fine whatever fucking arrangement you’ve got at the moment,” Bobby says. “That, and the fact that you only have to make out in pre-arranged spots so I don’t have to see you with your hand in Alex’s pants ever again.” 

“Please don’t remind me,” Luke begs him, looking back up again, trying not to think about that embarrassing moment, when Bobby showed up in the garage unannounced one day. “And yeah, I’m okay. More than okay, actually.” 

“I’m glad,” he says, and that’s when Reggie and Alex make their way back on stage. 

“Not a minute to lose here, we have to blow this stage tonight!” Reggie shouts as he claps his hands. 

They’re so excited to be back in California, they shout it into their mics a thousand times that night. The audience reacts with the same energy, and it’s a constant back and forth between them and the fans. Luke is in such a good mood that he plays an acoustic version of Hey Jude just to do the  _ Na na na _ part for a thousand times before Reggie signals him from the side that it’s been a while and they would like to get back on stage. 

That isn’t the only reason why Luke will remember that night for the rest of his life. The gig is a good one, sure, of course, but nothing beats the moment the concert is over and Alex takes him by the hand and brings him in an empty room backstage and kisses him, Luke back pressed against the wall, and Alex’s hands everywhere on him. 

“What about taking it slow,” Luke manages to say when they pull away for a second, trying to grasp some air. 

“You on that stage, tonight - it’s a miracle I haven’t kissed you in front of five thousand people.” It doesn’t really explain it, but Luke is okay with that. 

They get out of that storage room, not after a long time, but long enough for Reggie and Bobby to have those smug faces on when they make their way back to the dressing room. 

“How much do I owe you, Bobby?” Reggie asks the two of them on a couch drinking beer. 

“Did we say ten dollars?” 

“What did you bet on?” Luke asks as if it isn’t obvious. He sits on the opposite couch, 

“That you would sneak out to make out somewhere backstage after a gig one of these days,” Bobby explains. Luke thinks about the conversation they had earlier that day and it all makes sense. 

“That’s oddly specific,” Alex considers, as he takes two beers for him and Luke out of the mini-fridge. 

“That’s because we know you and because you did the exact same things back in 95. So it’s pretty easy to guess your moves,” Bobby says, all triumphant.

“I argued that you’re older now and you wouldn’t have done the same teenage stupid shit. But alas, Bobby was right.” Alex sits on the couch next to Luke, and they clink their bottles. 

“To being just as dumb as we were in 95!” 

They’re in San Francisco for two days next. Reggie has some friends there, because of course, he has, and they spend those two days with them, going to restaurants and clubs and places that only locals would know. Luke and Alex have little to zero alone time, and Luke sneaks little notes into Alex’s jeans pockets. _ I can’t believe I haven’t kissed you for the past four hours and it’s driving me insane _ . Alex leaves him one too later on:  _ your handwriting sucks and it took me a while to decipher that but me too _ . The only time they’re alone is when they lock themselves in bathrooms, and it’s not ideal nor romantic but they will do romantic when they’re back home, for now, they’re just two 20-year-olds that can’t keep their hands off each other and have to because of common decency and because they’re not going to go public with Reggie’s friends, at least not yet. And the concerts are amazing, they are all so amped up and there are so many people they know in the audience, friends and people who have been their fans since their first little tours around California, back when they got excited if there were one hundred people in the audience. Luke has been dreaming about this for years, from that first night when they played at a birthday party of one of their classmates. Most people dismissed his dream (Luke’s parents, first of all), and yet here they are, in front of thousands of people singing their songs, thousands of people who came to see them all across the country, some of them even to multiple dates. 

There’s that, of course, and the happiness caused by a certain drummer that will probably kiss him again in a dark room as soon as the gig is over, and that, also, makes Luke jump around the stage higher than usual. 

The last bus ride to Los Angeles before the Christmas break is an emotional one. They continuosly look outside the windows, recognizing spots from previous trips, remembering “oh this is where we stopped that time Reggie was feeling sick and had to throw up about a thousand times” “this is where we were about to throw out Alex and Luke because they wouldn’t stop making out on the van” (and they argue about that one for a while, saying how they’re just back to square one, but they’re lucky that the bus is big enough for them to make out in private) “This is where we all stopped that one time to pee and we almost got attacked by a snake”. They could go on for hours. Every single mile on that highway is connected to a memory. 

Before the final three gigs in LA, they have a night off. Going back home after almost two months away it’s weird - Luke has a maid that cleans the place every once in a while and checks the mail, but except for the bills on the kitchen counter, everything is just as he left it in October. It’s such a peculiar feeling: time doesn’t seem to have moved, but a lot of things have changed. Luke thinks of how he was waiting by the phone for a call from his parents that never arrived, he thinks about Alex’s phone calls that woke him up in the morning, of all the nights Luke spent awake thinking about him. The phone rings, startling him. He’s not expecting any calls.

“Hello?” 

“You’re finally home! I’ve been trying for a couple of hours. How are things going? Any news?” It’s Rose. He can’t wait to see her again the next day. 

“Alex told me he called you the other day. Don’t play dumb with me.” 

“You two truly tell each other everything now, uh? So annoying. Wanted to hear your side of the story pretending I didn’t know everything already.” 

“Listen, uh, believe it or not, I wanted to call you. I have something in mind for the gigs. Do you want to come over tonight?” 

“Give me ten minutes and I’ll be on my way.” She hangs up immediately. 

Luke doesn’t sleep much that night - it’s not because of insomnia, luckily those days are gone, but Rose stays over until late, catching up and preparing a little something for the show. She seems so happy, telling him all about his boyfriend Ray and their relationship and how he’s so supportive of her career and she also shows him a few pictures he has taken of the band after they came back from Sunset Curve’s tour. She eagerly listens to Luke’s side of the story, and later makes fun of him. 

“God I can’t wait to be backstage tomorrow and tease you both endlessly.” 

“I’ll take you off the guest list,” Luke threatens her as he lets her out later that night. It’s a lucky thing they’re not busy the next morning, so he can catch up on sleep a bit, but what Luke hasn’t taken into account is the fact that someone might ring his bell at nine am. Whoever is out there is quite persistent because the bell keeps on ringing as he flies down the stairs. “I’m coming!” He shouts, and the ringing stops. 

“Morning sunshine.” It’s Alex, with the biggest smile on his face, two coffees, and a bag full of donuts. Luke shakes his head, but he’s smiling too and god, they haven’t been in the same place for the first time in  _ months  _ and he can’t believe how much he has missed him. He doesn’t say it, though, not yet. Luke will tell him when they’re back from Europe in Spring, maybe. They’re taking things slow, right? 

“I would’ve let you in even if you came empty-handed, you know that, right?” He points out as he closes the door behind Alex, his hands both fully occupied. 

“I woke up and realized there was barely anything edible in my house so since I was out to get myself something I thought I would come over,” he explains, leaving the coffee and the donuts on the kitchen counter. He turns to Luke then, and adds “I kind of missed you not seeing your face this morning, so.” 

“I’m  _ so  _ glad you said it first so I don’t look like the needy one,” Luke teases him before finally kissing him, and it is so great to finally do it in an open space and not some storage room, as much as exciting the whole secrecy thing is. Luke loves kissing Alex in his kitchen because he’s a soft, domestic idiot. So much for making fun of Alex for being the needy one. 

And kissing isn’t all they do. They’re still at home half an hour before they have to go to the venue for the soundcheck, coffee and donuts are gone and their clothes everywhere around Luke’s bedroom floor. Things took a turn Luke wasn’t expecting, not  _ yet _ , but he’s not complaining. He has asked Alex if he was sure about it a thousand times before they both got completely naked. 

“So much for taking things slow,” Luke points out once again, pressing a kiss on Alex’s chest. 

“Listen, I tried. It’s  _ your  _ fault.” 

“You’re the one who came over and seduced me with coffee and donuts.” Luke pouts, pretending to be deeply offended. “We could’ve met at the venue.” The phone starts to ring and Luke groans, untangling himself from Alex to take the phone call. 

“Hello?” 

“Get out of bed, lovebirds. We have a soundcheck to do.” 

“Fuck Reggie how do you -” 

“I tried to call Alex earlier and he wasn’t there, so,” Reggie explains. “Get dressed and get out of the house. You’re late.” 

“You’re also late,” Luke points out. 

“I’m already dressed and ready to go. Bye.” He hangs up. Luke has changed his mind, he hates that they all know each other so well. He’s about to go look for a new band that doesn’t tease him endlessly. 

Before starting the soundcheck, they all run around the venue like madmen. They’ve seen so many concerts there and being able to actually play that place for three nights in a row, it’s such a privilege and they can’t believe that they get to run around the empty venue. Their manager doesn’t really agree with the sentiment, as he shouts for them to go back on stage and start playing their damn songs. He’s not wrong, but it’s the best feeling ever. Before doing their actual job, they all lie there, the cold floor against their backs. 

“We made it, guys. We truly made it,” Luke says, and they all shout, their gazes up at the ceiling. It’s going to be a great night. 

Rose comes over as they’re about to finish their soundcheck. 

“Someone is already abusing her pass, I see,” Luke jokes into the microphone. She raises both her middle fingers. After they’re done, she invites them all back to her place. 

“I’ll show you around, and, uh, you can finally meet my boyfriend,” she says, trying to be subtle as she looks at Bobby. He smiles and nods. Luke looks at the silent exchange and he’s proud of his friend. 

And so the four of them head over at Rose’s, and a while later Ray arrives, and it’s so good to finally see him in person. He has a few cameras with him, and he promises he will take some good shots of them backstage later, if they are okay with it. They are more than okay with it. So they head back to the venue, and Ray takes a few polaroids of the band in the dressing room, and later when they’re playing, he uses his more serious cameras for some shots. Reggie’s and Bobby’s parents are backstage also, the dressing room more crammed than it usually is. Luke and Alex don’t have to tell each other anything. It doesn’t get any easier with time, and definitely not on a night like this one. Not when they can see the proud faces of their friends’ parents. Even Reggie’s parents, who divorced right after their kid left the house, are there together for their son. 

It’s a good show, just as good as the ones they played before, nothing out of the ordinary. That is, until Luke’s acoustic moment. He and Rose rehearsed this for hours the night before. 

“So, for my acoustic little part I usually play a cover of a popular song, but this night it’s a special night and I wanted to do something different. Do you guys know my friend Rose?” The crowd erupts in a big cheer as Rose makes her way up on stage. The other guys on the sideline look so confused, exchanging looks between themselves. She takes Reggie’s microphone, taking it off its pole, and comes closer to Luke. “This is a song I wrote with someone very important to me a few years ago. We were both having a hard time, and uh, I think this is what this song is about. Finding the strength to rise above your problems, together. Whether it makes you think about a friend or the person you’re with, I hope this song will resonate with you somehow. It’s called Bright.” The crowd goes wild, suddenly hit with the realization that they’re about to hear a new, original Sunset Curve song. 

He wanted to do this alone at first when he thought about playing the song for the first time in front of the crowd in LA. Luke realized quickly that he couldn’t do it on his own, though, and he wasn’t wrong: if he didn’t have Rose by his side, if he didn’t look at her for the whole song, he would’ve felt much more exposed. But the truth is that now, he can’t wait to finally record this song with the rest of the band. He doesn’t look on his right until he plays the last chord. It’s a quick look, and he can see that Alex looks visibly shaken by the performance, and Reggie and Bobby as well. Luke is sure they weren’t expecting this one. No bet was placed this time. 

Alex is supposed to be the first one to make his way up on stage when Luke leaves it after his acoustic bit. This time, though, he lets the audience wait a few seconds more. As Luke makes his way backstage, smiling at his bandmates, trying to keep his cool as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened, Alex blocks him and wraps him into a hug.

“You fucking asshole,” he whispers into his ears, and Luke hugs him tightly, laughing softly into the space between Alex’s shoulder and neck, in those short seconds before Alex has to make his way back on stage. And so they have to let go of each other, but before they do, Alex plants a quick kiss on Luke’s cheek and runs behind his drum kit. 

“You finally did something unexpected! You’re so fucking smug, man. Congrats,” Bobby says, as Alex starts to hit the cymbals. 

They all go out to celebrate their first LA gig and Luke’s big surprise at a club with Rose, the rest of her band, and Ray too. The club they choose is the same one they always went to anytime they did a gig in their hometown, the gigs where twneyt, thirty, maybe one hundred people came if they were lucky. They were just as happy and giddy as they are tonight, even though now the main difference is that people in the club recognize them and wave at them. They are offered drinks and it’s not the first time Luke gets drunk during this tour but this is the first time he’s a happy drunk, and the first he comes back home with the right person. The one he wants to have always by his side, not a one night stand. 

“Okay now I’m drunk enough for me to confess this to you,” Luke says when they’re back at his place, the two of them stumbling into the house until they make their way on the couch (going up a whole ramp of stairs seems like an impossible task right now). 

“Luke we just had sex like 12 hours ago don’t break up with me already -” 

“Be quiet.” Alex looks taken aback by Luke’s sudden authoritarian tone. “So when we were on tour I had a dream that I played Thank you on stage and you walked on stage and kissed me in front of the whole audience.” 

“Oh my god. Please play it tomorrow and let’s do it? Our manager will have a heart attack.” 

“Why are you saying that with such a happy voice? And also, no, I don’t have Robert Plant’s voice and it’ll be a mess.” 

“You have a beautiful voice and you can sing anything,” Alex compliments him, and then adds: “but can I kiss on stage anyway?” 

“Also no,” Luke answers, although he has seriously thought about it for a few seconds. 

“You’re a party pooper.” 

They fall asleep like that, their clothes still on, Luke on top of Alex, head resting on his chest, the couch too small for the two of them.

Luke wakes up the next morning in dire need of a glass of water, if not a full bottle, his throat dry. As soon as Luke tries to get up, he gets blocked, Alex’s arm around his back, keeping him still. He tries to protest. 

“Where are you going?” Alex asks, and all Luke can think about is how much he loves Alex’s raspy morning voice, especially after a night out, especially when he’s the only one who can hear it. 

“Thirsty,” it’s all he manages to say, before giving up on moving. Not that Luke minds, they could stay like that until their concert that night. 

“You need to buy a bigger couch, anyway,” Alex points out. Luke mutters something in response, but all Alex gets it’s the word thirsty again. “Thirsty for me, I get it.” Luke snorts. 

“Let me go drink some water? I’ll meet you in my bedroom in five minutes.” Alex almost lets Luke fall on the ground with how fast he’s up and sprinting up the stairs. 

“God you two are so annoying.” 

They just got to the venue, Bobby already in the dressing room, laying on one of the couches and eating an apple. Both Luke and Alex are confused by the warm welcome their friend gives them. 

“You’re like glowing. It’s so annoying. Please don’t make me believe that love is real all over again.” They look at each other and smile. “Again, annoying.” Reggie is there not long after, joining Bobby on the couch of the ones that are currently happy and single (their words). 

“I can’t stand you,” Reggie says, also an apple in hand. “Please break up again. As I believe I told you last week, I liked when you were moping. Much more entertaining.” They’re all laughing and eating their fruit when one of the security guards shows up in the room.

“Luke?” He says. “Sorry for the interruption, but there are two people out there who claim to be your parents but they’re not on the list so I wanted to double-check with you.” The guys all freeze. Luke looks around the room, at the reaction of his bandmates, to check if he has gotten the words right. His parents.

“I - I’m coming. Yeah.” He slowly gets up from the couch, Alex giving him a gentle push. Luke turns to look at Alex, who nods, you can do it, he whispers. 

The walk to the back door of the venue, which he has done countless times in the past few days, and now the corridor seems to stretch for miles. Is it really them? Or just two people who decided to make fun of the security guards? No, it can’t be. They don’t have fans older than thirty. It has to be them, right? The door is right in front of him now, closed. It’s one of those movie scenes where everything goes in slow motion. The door is a few steps ahead of him, but it seems like it’s taking ages to reach it. 

The guard opens it. Luke doesn’t realize he has closed his eyes, as he takes a deep breath. He thinks about Alex and his smile and his  _ you can do it  _ before Luke left the dressing room. He opens his eyes, finally. And here they are, his parents. The guard looks at Luke, waiting for an answer. 

“Uh, yeah, it’s them. You can let them in.” They are there, for real, Mitch and Emily. They don’t say anything, but they just come forward and hug their son. It takes him approximately one second for him to start crying in their arms. He lets himself go, this time, right there in their arms. 

It’s probably not really their best show of the tour, but it is, for Luke. His parents are there at the side of the stage looking at him, and they're looking at him proudly. There is still a lot they have to fix, and this is just the first step, but it’s a huge one. Rose is there once again, ready the play Bright on stage with Luke. It’s not a surprise anymore, but when Luke leaves the stage, he can see how emotional Alex is once again, and that’s all that matters. It matters that he could play the song two days in a row, even if it was harder this time. It made him think about his parents, mostly, how hurt he was that they didn’t support him. That it took them so long to be proud of their son. But Rose’s presence there on stage helped him, as Alex jokingly blowing him a kiss did as well. 

Luke can’t wait to finally record the song - their manager, despite the initial surprise (“You have to stop with these fucking surprises, Luke”), has admitted that the song is a really good one and they might do a reissue of the album with Bright on it, after recording it as their next single. 

He and Alex have talked about it a lot earlier that day, about how it makes Luke a little sad that it’s not just their song anymore but it’s out in the world, and that people will know the lyrics and sing them back to them at gigs. It won’t be the song they whispered to each other at night only. 

“But imagine all the people that will sing it to each other at night, isn’t that amazing?” Alex has told him. It makes them both so proud, and Luke realizes that it will help people just like Unsaid Emily did. He hopes his parents will finally understand how important music is and how their son's music is truly helping people. How strong the connection between the band and their fans is. 

The Rolling Stone journalist is there, once again unannounced until the last minute. When he makes his way backstage that night, Luke’s parents have just left, promising to come back the next night for the final gig. 

“It has been decided that your story is going to be on the cover of the magazine.” Luke understands now why their manager has been so calm about the whole coming out to Rolling Stone. He knew it was going to be a cover story. Just like their songs, he hopes this will help people. Even if they’re not making the cover for their music, Luke is happy to be an example for other bisexual kids out there. “We’re making plans for having your picture taken next week if you’re available,” the journalist adds. 

“Can we suggest our own photographer for it?” Reggie asks, turning to Ray. The journalist rolls his eyes. 

“I guess so. I’ll let you know tomorrow, along with the date and time of the shoot,” he answers. “And by the way, I love the new song. When did you write it, Luke?” Luke turns to Alex, sitting on the couch next to him. They won’t tell the word they’re a couple at least for a while, and so Luke will have to come up with a fake story on the spot and he’s terrible at that. In an ideal world, he would tell the real story, of the couch in Bobby’s garage, of the cheap wine he and Alex were drinking that night, sloppy kisses and promises they made to each other through song lyrics. But for now, a half-truth will do. He makes up an old boyfriend from high school, the one who broke his heart, the same one he sang the Foo Fighters song to, back in Toronto. Luke knows they decided together that they weren’t going to tell the world that they’re a couple, but he’s also afraid to look at Alex and see the disappointment on his face. 

Luke thinks that when the tour started his life was a whole mess, except for the music part. And now he looks around the room, he looks at Bobby and Reggie smiling at him from the opposite couch, he looks at the journalist who doesn’t seem to hate them anymore (even if it’s just because they landed him a cover story), he looks at Ray and Rose standing in a corner, all wrapped up in each other, nodding at Luke to let him know they’re there for him. He thinks about his parents, who have already invited their son back to their place for Christmas, and then finally he looks at Alex. All he can see on his face is pride, and Luke is about to cry for the third time that night. For the first time in months, in years, everything is exactly how Luke wishes it would be. 

*

“We’re late. I can’t believe we’re late.” 

Luke is pacing up and down his room, all his clothes on his bed. He has changed his shirt at least ten times. All the discarded shirts are on the ground next to the mirror, and Alex is watching him while sitting on the ground, amused. He has been trying to tell Luke to relax, that they’re just going to his parents for Christmas. “They literally cleaned your ass for years, they won’t care about the shirt you’ll be wearing today.” 

“That’s not helping, Alex,” Luke protested when he pointed that out. So Alex has been keeping his mouth shut for the most part. Last thing he said was “funny how  _ I’m  _ the anxious one between the two of us,” earning a stern look from Luke, who was trying his sixth shirt on. In the end, he goes with a red sweater Alex and Luke bought together for Christmas a couple of years before, the second Christmas they spent alone. “This reminds me of the first time we broke up,” Alex says, reminiscing. 

“Oh my god, I’m taking this off -” 

“I’m kidding,” Alex stops him immediately. “You look great. You looked great with all the other shirts. You look great with no shirt on too, but your parents wouldn’t appreciate that as much as I do.” Luke rolls his eyes but he is amused by that. 

“Please stop talking and leave the house,” Luke begs him. Alex gets up from the ground finally, and they’re downstairs, leaving the mess behind in the bedroom. There’s no doubt they’ll sleep on the couch because they’ll be too lazy to put everything back in the closet later on or go to Alex’s. He hasn’t gone there much since the tour ended, a couple of times to check the place and because Luke insisted they had to have sex there as well, just to take “every remnant of Carl out of here”. It was the best sex they had so far, and Alex can’t believe they have to thank  _ Carl  _ for that. 

Before they’re out of the door, Alex kisses him deeply, both knowing full well they won’t be doing any of that for the rest of the day. Luke hasn’t had the talk with his parents yet, and he will have to do it soon enough, what with the Rolling Stone cover story coming out in mid-January. But for now, Alex is just a friend coming over for Christmas because he has nowhere else to go. Despite knowing Luke’s parents all his life, and having visited their place multiple times, had several sleepovers even, Alex is nervous. They’re both nervous, of course, Luke because he’s finally on the right track with them and he doesn’t want to screw everything up already, and Alex because he hopes to make a good second first impression. He tries to play it down in his head, thinking he’s just going there as Luke’s best friend, the same one who made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the middle of the night, leaving a whole mess on the kitchen counter. Alex wonders if Emily still hates him for that, and the thought clearly isn’t helping. 

“Okay,” Luke says, out of breath, “let’s go.” He gives Alex a quick, last kiss, both unable to let the other go. “It’s going to be fine,” he adds then, recognizing immediately Alex’s worried look. “They love you just like a second son.” 

“That’s - of all the things you could say, Luke,” Alex says, taking a step back, his hands off Luke’s body. “You know I love you but sometimes you just -” he stops mid-sentence and freezes on the spot. Of all the things he could say, indeed. Luke looks just as surprised but then breaks into a smile. 

“I love you too, you idiot,” he says, just as naturally as he would mention that the milk is expired. He pulls Alex closer to him again, forgetting all about the fact that they’re so late. “May I remind you for the hundredth time that you were the one that wanted to take things slow,” Luke teases him when they’ve stopped kissing once again, unable to let go of each other. 

“I’m calling Bobby and asking him if his parents have an extra spot for me today,” Alex threatens him, which isn’t that effective while he still has both his hands on Luke’s ass. 

“Can’t believe you’re already going to disappoint your in-laws just like that,” Luke teases him again, with that stupid grin on his face. 

“I can’t believe that I love you, you asshole.” They can’t get out of the door, they can’t stop saying how much they love each other, like those two years apart never existed, like they’ve always loved each other and like they always will. 


End file.
